satire
Prison Escape Foiled After Guards Asked To Sign Farewell Card
A planned breakout from Long Bay jail has been thwarted after the farewell card for the culprit was accidentally circulated to the guards for signing.
“Like any workplace, when someone is about to leave we like to send a card around for everyone to write a funny little message on it wishing them well at their new location,” admitted lifer Frank “The Axe” Haffey. “Unfortunately some dill wasn’t sure who to give the card to next and they left it on the table in the guard’s break room. Next thing you know the screws have busted into my cell and have found my tunnel.”
“Frank’s been a pretty popular guy here so when we found out he was leaving we had a whip around for a present and bought him a giant oversized card so we could wish him all the best,” said Haffey’s cellmate Danny “Kneecapper” Walsh. “We got him a gold plated shiv with his name engraved on it and had enough cash left over to toss in a $50 Myers voucher and a box of snout.”
Several of the guards signed the card before the head warden checked the records and discovered that Haffey wasn’t due for parole until the year 2035. While most of the guards were unsure who Haffey was and had simply written “all the best”, one had written a clever limerick and another had drawn a cartoon of the convicted murderer relaxing on a beach in Mexico with a beer in his hand.
“We knew something was amiss when we smelt a cake being baked in the prison laundry,” admitted the prison governor Leonard Godber. “Then when all the inmates gathered together during the afternoon tea break in the number plate painting factory for an impromptu farewell party I ordered a search of all the cells.”
Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter
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Exclusive Book Excerpt: Mike Pence’s Forward For ScoMo’s New Book
When I was approached to write the forward to Scott Morrison’s new book, my first reaction was, who?
Then after being told that he was the former Prime Minister of Australia, a Christian and a tourism ambassador for the State of Hawaii, I turned to my wife and said: ”Mother, I must write something for this man.”
Scott Morrison is a dear friend of the United States of America. When he heard that tourism numbers had slumped in the State of Hawaii, his first instinct wasn’t to stay at home and do his job coordinating the country he was in charge of, Australia, against life-taking bushfires, no.
His first instinct was to pack up the kids and wife and book a ticket on to the next available flight to Oahu. What a guy!
He also did not want this example of generous philanthropy to get out, so he instructed his office to not tell anyone he was on holiday and when the story finally did leak did he seek to take credit for his actions?
No, he sought to tell all and asunder that the idea for the trip was not his but rather his wife, Jen’s.
Thinking of Scott I am drawn to the bible, particularly the passage from Timothy 3:13: ”Unscrupulous con men will continue to exploit the faith. They’re as deceived as the people they lead astray. As long as they are out there, things can only get worse.”
Scott is not one of these men, no. Scott is a man of the Church, a man who when Myself or President Trump said jump, replied: ”How how high, sir?”
Mr Morrison, thank you for the opportunity to write this forward and I look forward to taking you up on your offer of joining you and the family for dinner sometime at Engadine Maccas.
Not sure why you suggested bringing a second pair of pants though.
Mike Pence
Former American Vice-President
Husband to Mother.
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Dutton’s Increased Popularity Forces Joyce To Ask Where He Stands On The Bonk Ban
A rise in the polls for Opposition leader Peter Dutton has forced the country to rethink what it would be like should the member for Dixon were to become Prime Minister.
For his colleague, the former deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, this means finding our where the potential PM stands on the bonk ban.
”I’ll be honest I never thought Pete had a snowballs chance in hell of becoming PM,” said the member for New England. ‘But, the polls are moving and maybe there’s a chance that we can all get back onboard the gravy train.”
”So, now is when we need to knuckle down and get our policies sorted and there is no more important policy than that of the bonk ban.”
When asked why he was so obsessed with the bonk ban whilst the country was in a cost of living crisis, the former deputy PM said: ”The bonk ban would save some of us a fortune, don’t believe me, then ask Channel 7.”
”The Australian people want their politicians fit, firing and happy, and who isn’t happy after a good old bonk.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a puppy for my meeting with Dutts, I hear he likes to strangle them in order to relax.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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This Can’t Be Another Instance Of Genocide — Israel Believes It’s Right!
This Can’t Be Another Instance Of Genocide — Israel Believes It’s Right!
Listen to a reading of this article (reading by Tim Foley):
https://medium.com/media/d44f84558b80d01505a63be2a5ab8bbf/href
I used to think it was wrong for Israel to be killing tens of thousands of Gazans with airstrikes and starving hundreds of thousands with siege warfare, but then Israel apologists informed me that some Palestinians did mean things to Israelis in the past, so now I support it.
What Israel is doing in Gaza would only be unethical if everyone in Gaza were a perfect little cherub who’d never committed any violence or done anything wrong ever. I could see getting upset if the IDF was raining military explosives upon a giant concentration camp full of squishy marshmallow-like beings made of pure love and conceived without original sin who do nothing but coo and sing lullabies all day, but in reality the concentration camp is populated by beings who are not nearly that perfect.
I hear people calling this a genocide, but that’s ridiculous. What’s been explained to me is that the assault on Gaza is completely different from all the genocidal massacres you’ve read about in history, because the Israelis believe what they are doing is right. See, this time the ones who are carrying out the mass-scale extermination programs and ethnic cleansing plans have reasons for doing so.
As we all know, in a proper genocide the perpetrators have no reasons for carrying out their mass extermination programs and ethnic cleansing plans; they do it solely because they are evil and like doing evil things. In a proper genocide the perpetrators historically spend most of their time cackling like cartoon supervillains and talking about how delightfully evil their genocidal actions are.
This isn’t like that at all. You see, the Israelis sincerely feel that the population they are eliminating is very bad, and they believe removing that population will make the land a much better and safer place to live. They see the Palestinians as a major problem, and, unlike a proper genocide, they are simply trying to find a solution to that problem which will be permanent and final.
So when you see Israel apologists defending Israel’s actions in Gaza, please try to keep in mind that they’re just helpfully explaining that the Israeli government has reasons and motives for doing what it’s doing, and that it believes what it is doing is correct. If this were a proper genocide, that wouldn’t be the case.
You’ve seen what genocide looks like. It looks like Nazis rounding up Jews and killing them. Are the Israelis wearing swastikas? Are the Palestinians Jewish? No? Okay then. That proves this cannot possibly be a genocide, because if it was, it would look exactly the same as a previous historical instance of genocide in every conceivable way. It’s not even the early 1940s right now, it’s a completely different time period. Like, duh.
So relax. Everything is fine. This isn’t a genocide, and if it is, we can read about it in our history books later on and be sure to get it right next time.
_____________
My work is entirely reader-supported, so if you enjoyed this piece here are some options where you can toss some money into my tip jar if you want to. Go here to buy paperback editions of my writings from month to month. All my work is free to bootleg and use in any way, shape or form; republish it, translate it, use it on merchandise; whatever you want. The best way to make sure you see the stuff I publish is to subscribe to the mailing list on Substack, which will get you an email notification for everything I publish. All works co-authored with my husband Tim Foley.
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Featured image via Tasnim News Agency (CC BY-SA 4.0 DEED)
The UnOz’s 2023 Person Of The Year
The UnOz’s Person of the Year award is one of the most anticipated events of the year, with defamation lawyers everywhere especially keen to see the list.
2023 was a year like no other. For Australia it felt like a long night out at a karaoke joint. Peter Dutton refused to sing anything other than the verse of Amy Winehouse’s hit Rehab, no, no, no. 60% of Australia turned their nose up at the chance to sing the John Farnham hit, You’re The Voice, apparently they couldn’t understand it. Whilst our Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was left alone in the corner belting out, What About Me?
Before we look forward to what barrel of fun 2024 has in store let’s look back at who or what put their hand up in 2023 to be considered The UnOz’s person of the year.
Australia’s Defamation Lawyers
What a year this bunch of legal eagles have had. Managing to convince Lachlan Murdoch, Ben Roberts-Smith and a high-profile Toowomba man to chuck it all on the table for a chance at redemption, and a bucket of cash.
The Reserve Bank has actually warned that should these high-profile cases continue and the money keeps flowing to lawyers then they will inevitably have to raise interest rates, to curb inflation. The Nation looks to you Alan Jones.
The Reserve Bank Of Australia
New Governor, same penchant to put the Nation’s nuts in a vice and squeeze. They say they’re doing it for the country’s own good, but we all know that they get off on it.
George Pell
Tony Abbott said of Cardinal Pell: ”He touched us all.” Thankfully, the Cardinal didn’t touch anyone this year, instead he did something even more special to help heal the Nation, he died!
Though he can’t be here in person to accept his nomination, we’re sure the Cardinal is looking up with a smile as he tries to find the switch to turn down the heat.
Alan Jones
A real touchy subject, allegedly.
Peter Dutton
Captain charisma has really had a year that no one predicted. Managing to woo the Nation’s press pack who spent the year making goo goo eyes at him whilst spreading rumours about his nemesis Albo.
Some even think he is destined to win the next election. To be fair there are also people out there who think the World is flat or Wests Tigers might one day win a Premiership.
Johnny Bairstow
If the 2023 Ashes series was ever made into a movie then the part of Johnny would have to be played by Christopher Walken.
Given out after leaving his crease and being stumped, Johnny and England were not happy. They talked about the spirit of the game and got all in a huff. Refusing to join the Australians for a post series drink, might of been a mistake by Pat Cummins to walk over to the dressing room with bottle of Johnny Walker to share.
*If you disagree with our list of nominees, then leave a comment below with your nomination.
On behalf of Team UnOz thank you for visiting the site and have a great festive season, we will be back in early January with the all the best news, analysis and plagiarism.
Thanks for reading.
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“Stop Murdering Thousands Of Children,” Said The Evil Crazy Nazi
Listen to a reading by Tim Foley:
https://medium.com/media/5f6fbe31d275338b3dc6d61a26dfb2e5/href
“Stop murdering thousands of children,” said the evil, crazy Nazi.
“It’s bad to murder children,” the monster added. “Children should not be slaughtered at mass scale with powerful military explosives, they should be allowed to remain alive and happy and healthy.”
What would lead someone to say something so hateful and depraved? What disgusting conspiratorial anti-semitic online rabbit holes must this freak have slithered down in his path toward radicalization to say something so profoundly evil? One can only guess.
“We should not incinerate children and blow their guts out of their bodies with bombs,” the world’s worst person continued. “Zero children should die by incineration, and their guts belong on the inside of their bodies.”
I’m just as shocked and dismayed as you are. I thought we were beyond this. I thought we as a civilization had left this kind of genocidal rhetoric behind us with the end of Nazi Germany. But, apparently, Adolf Hitler still lives on.
This fiendish enemy of all things good and righteous went on to say that all Palestinians are human beings just like everyone else, and they should accordingly be given human rights instead of exterminated like insects with some of the most sophisticated weaponry ever devised.
“I just don’t think someone having a certain ethnicity makes it acceptable to butcher them in massive numbers with modern war machinery and drive them off the land they wish to live on,” said the ghoul, adding, “I kind of think we ought to treat others how we ourselves would wish to be treated.”
Now, I’m as liberal as the next person and I absolutely support free speech, but this kind of repugnant blood libel is exactly why we need to be having some serious conversations about how far the right to free speech ought to go. We can’t have deranged fascists running around our society fomenting genocidal violence by spouting extremist rhetoric like “Don’t drop bombs on babies” and “It’s wrong to intentionally assassinate journalists.”
It makes me feel unsafe when people say such things, because I do not agree with the things they are saying. And, as we all know, the universe revolves around me and how my feelings feel. I therefore fear we have reached an unfortunate juncture in our society where we’ve no choice but to censor the internet, prohibit pro-Palestine demonstrations, ban TikTok, and make it illegal to be a Zoomer. The only alternative is to allow horrifying radicalization like what we just witnessed here to continue.
____________
My work is entirely reader-supported, so if you enjoyed this piece here are some options where you can toss some money into my tip jar if you want to. Go here to buy paperback editions of my writings from month to month. All my work is free to bootleg and use in any way, shape or form; republish it, translate it, use it on merchandise; whatever you want. The best way to make sure you see the stuff I publish is to subscribe to the mailing list on Substack, which will get you an email notification for everything I publish. All works co-authored with my husband Tim Foley.
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Featured image via Adobe Stock.
The Official Story Of October Seventh
Listen to a reading of this article (reading by Tim Foley):
https://medium.com/media/8ed124737d9d557c8f471f4d4f9d86a2/href
The official story is that on October 7, 2023, thousands of evil Hamas terrorists broke out of their walled-in enclave and killed approximately 1,200 Israelis for no reason other than because they were evil and wanted to kill Jews. Nothing was done by the Israeli government to provoke this attack, and nothing of any relevance happened prior to this date.
The attack was as undefended as could possibly be; Israeli defense forces did not respond for nine hours despite having received ample warning that an attack was coming for months, from both their own intelligence services and from Egyptian intelligence. No attempt was made to warn the Nova music festival of an impending attack despite Israeli security forces being aware the day before that an attack was coming, resulting in hundreds of deaths and captured hostages. The attack was met with so little resistance that Hamas themselves were reportedly surprised by how many Israelis they were able to capture and kill, their surprise perhaps due to the fact that they’d spent two years training right out in the open less than a mile from the border for an air, sea and land attack using motorized paragliders, drones and motorboats. This is all perfectly normal and not suspicious at all.
Also not at all suspicious is the fact that 100 percent of the 1,200 Israeli deaths on October 7 are being attributed to Hamas despite Israeli media and eyewitness testimony reporting that the IDF was firing indiscriminately into areas full of Israelis. The burned bodies you see in photos of the October 7 devastation were with absolute certainty burned by Hamas, despite the Israeli government’s acknowledgement that it had previously misidentified hundreds of dead Hamas fighters as Israeli because they’d been so badly burned by IDF fire that their corpses were unrecognizable.
(The official story of October 7 also previously included narratives about beheaded babies, babies cooked in ovens, and babies ripped from the wombs of pregnant mothers, and you were an evil Jew-hating Holocaust denier if you doubted them, but those narratives have since been walked back and are no longer part of the official story, so belief in them is now optional.)
The murder of 1,200 Israelis was so evil and egregious that it has warranted the killing of more than 16,000 Palestinians in Gaza, including more than 7,000 children. It will likely warrant the killing of far more, because Israeli lives are worth much, much more than Palestinian lives. Only a racist Nazi would believe that Palestinian lives matter.
Israel is not to blame for any of the killings in Gaza anyway, because Hamas is using civilians as human shields. It is anti-semitic to ask how Israel has managed to kill so many human shields while killing astonishingly few Hamas fighters and dealing no meaningful damage to Hamas leadership in the process.
Now that 1.7 million Gazans have been displaced and they are being shoved toward the Egyptian border, it is perfectly fine and normal to be seeing official agendas being pushed by Israeli officials and thought leaders to “thin out” Gaza’s population and relocate them to other countries. Only an evil terrorist supporter would call this ethnic cleansing; one ought to think of it more as a permanent vacation.
If you question any part of this official story, you’re an evil Jew-hating monster who loves terrorism and wishes Hitler had won. You should be censored, fired from your job, kicked off campus and disappeared from polite society, because you support genocide and you want good people to die.
Does this make you feel like you’re going crazy? Good. That means it’s working. That means the official story is taking root in your mind. Let it blossom and bloom inside of you. Stop struggling. Relax. The more you struggle, the more it will hurt. Just let your mind go blank and obey. This will be over before you know it.
____________
My work is entirely reader-supported, so if you enjoyed this piece here are some options where you can toss some money into my tip jar if you want to. Go here to buy paperback editions of my writings from month to month. All my work is free to bootleg and use in any way, shape or form; republish it, translate it, use it on merchandise; whatever you want. The best way to make sure you see the stuff I publish is to subscribe to the mailing list on Substack, which will get you an email notification for everything I publish. All works co-authored with my husband Tim Foley.
Bitcoin donations: 1Ac7PCQXoQoLA9Sh8fhAgiU3PHA2EX5Zm2
Featured image via Adobe Stock
Alan Jones Can’t Understand Why Grooming Isn’t Encouraged In Schools
Former shock-jock and teacher (yep) Alan Jones has bemoaned the fact that grooming is no longer encouraged in Australian schools. Claiming that the lack of grooming has led to a rise in dangerous beliefs like man-made climate change or the #MeToo movement.
”In my day it was common for a man to get behind a boy, or girl, and show them the way,” said Alan Jones from his harbourside flat. ”We’d all muck in together after a hard day on the rugger pitch and they’d wash my back and I theirs.”
”Those were the days, but not anymore, it’s all the wokesters fault.”
When asked whether he worried that more grooming in schools could lead to students being taken advantage of, Alan Jones said: ”Don’t be ridiculous, kids are there to be molded and inspired.”
”Show me a boy who hasn’t benefited from a man behind him?”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be off to look for future generations to groom. Right you are.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Channel 7 To Hold A Telethon For Survivors Of Defamation Lawsuits
Channel 7 has today announced that they will be ditching the kids hospital telethon in favour of a more worthy cause, male survivors of defamation lawsuits.
”What sort of World do we live in, when good wholesome chaps like Bruce and Ben risk losing everything,” said a Channel 7 Insider. ”I mean we tried to help little Brucey out with some rent money and everyone went ballistic.”
”They threatened to strip us of our Walkeley.”
When asked why the Channel was going out of their way to help two people who brought the defamation suits upon themselves, the Channel 7 Insider said: ”Well how else were they supposed to clear their names?”
”Not like we could wheel little Brucey out on Dancing With The Stars without some sort of court win.”
”And dear Ben needs all the cash he can get. Living in the Hague isn’t cheap you know.”
The telethon will air Christmas eve and be hosted by Darryl Somers. With appearances from the Cash Cow, Plucka Duck and David Koch who will be singing a medley of hits from his favourite band, Limp Bizkit.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Coalition Demands The Trading Of Kidneys So The Young Can Afford Houses
The Coalition has demanded that the Albanese Government immediately change the law to allow those under the age of 40 to be able to sell their kidneys in order to get into the housing market.
”What sort of society does Anthony Albanese want with young people walking around with all their major organs, but no house?” said the Coalition’s attack person of the day Sussan Ley. ”There are boomers out there crying out for new kidneys, who would love to drop a few franking credits in order to buy them!”
”The Prime Minister needs to get in to the real world, and listen to some Sky News After Dark.”
When asked if the Coalition seriously wanted to legalize organ trading, Sussan with two S’s said: ”Absolutely. We need to do what we can to help our society’s most vulnerable – the boomers.”
”This idea is a win, a win for boomers.”
”As the more people in the market for houses will lead to higher demand and higher prices, everyone wins. Well, everyone that will potentially vote for us wins!”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I heard Anthony Albanese had an orange juice for breakfast instead of a coffee. I need to appear on Sky News to condemn him for that.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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