Christmas
Weary Nation Wonders Which Culture War Dutton Is Fighting This Week
Weary Australian’s embarking on their first week back in the office have begun to wonder what culture war Opposition leader Peter Dutton is fighting this week, as they are bombarded with his face on tv, radio and in print.
”It’s always something with Dutton, is he still fighting a war with Christmas, or has he moved on to Australia day already? Asked Coburg accounts clerk Betty Spreadsheet. ”Actually, I never did hear him rant about hot cross buns, which is funny as he kind of looks like one.”
When reached for comment on what machine he planned to rage against this week, the Opposition leader said: ”My job is to hold the Government to task, I mean it is ridiculous that the so-called Prime Minister is out making appearances and not once has he worn an Australian flag as a cape.”
”Doesn’t he love this country, if so he should don the Australian flag as a cape.”
”Mind you, if he did we would be shouting to high heavens about what a lack of respect he is showing to the flag.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am being interviewed by Ray Hadley, not sure why he wants to do the interview in a sauna, but who am I to argue…..with Ray.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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EastEnders: Doctor Who's Sooz Kempner Offers Epic X'Mas Catch-Up
Comedian/actor Sooz Kempner (Doctor Who) shared one of her (& our) great loves: recapping EastEnders in the lead-up to the Christmas episode.
A very happy Christmas to Skwawkbox readers. #CeasefireNow
Skwawkbox wishes its readers a wonderful Christmas and festive season and a peaceful new year. May there be justice in the UK, in Gaza – and a ceasefire and lasting peace – an end to oppression and exploitation, and accountability for those responsible for them.
Thank you for your readership and support.
Watch Alexei Sayle’s ‘Alternative alternative’ Xmas message here 6pm tomorrow
Left-wing comedy legend will deliver his own antidote to Charlie’s annual broadcast – and to Fry’s pro-Israel ‘alternative’
Skwawkbox and Socialist Telly will showcase Alexei Sayle’s ‘Alternative alternative Christmas Message’ on Christmas Day at 6pm.
Sayle is broadcasting his message as an alternative to Stephen Fry’s planned ‘alternative Christmas message’, which is said to be themed around ‘supporting Jews’ but is expected to be a pro-Israel piece.
Watch from 6pm on Skwawkbox Facebook and Twitter and on Socialist Telly’s YouTube channel. Spread the word.
The YouTube video will embed below once it goes live:
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The Upside Down: Why We Should Raise a Glass to the Real Father Christmas
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‘Tis the season. I often get asked if I’m ‘making a list’ at this time of year and always try to answer graciously. It’s the beard I suppose, and perhaps the aura of jollity I like to project as the year runs into its buffers.
As it turns out, beards and jollity long pre-date the character of Santa Claus. They are attributes of the old Father Christmas, who has a long and interesting tradition of his own – one which has very little to do with children and gifts and everything to do with feasting, merriment and good cheer.
The earliest written reference we have to a personification of Christmas is the medieval carol Sir Christèmas, attributed to Richard Smart, the rector of Plymtree in Devon from 1435 to 1477. There’s not much in the way of physical description, but the eponymous Sir Christèmas urges us all to “buvez bien, par toute la compagnie (“drink well, throughout all the company” / make good cheer and be right merry).
What’s not to like?
This sets the tone for the next 300 years, in which Lord Christmas, Sir Christmas, Father Christmas, or even Captain Christmas becomes an emblem of the old hospitality and celebratory spirit, and notably at odds with the rise of Puritanism.
In Ben Jonson’s Christmas, His Masque staged at court in 1616, Christmas has to break his way past the guards, in order to put on a show (Jonson’s working title was Christmas, His Show) reminding the court of the value of “a right Christmas, as of old it was”.
He is dressed as an old-fashioned country gent – with a doublet and hose, a “high-crowned hat”, white shoes and a “long thin beard”. He’s accompanied by his 10 children, who give a pretty good idea of what a traditional Jacobean Christmas held in store: Carol, Misrule, Gambol, Offering, Wassail, Mumming, New-Year’s-Gift, Post and Pair (a popular dice game), Minced-Pie and Baby-Cake.
The Upside Down: Why We Still Celebrate Christmas with Dickens
John Mitchinson explores the enduring relevance of the “little Christmas book” the author penned in 1843
John Mitchinson
He is quick to reassure the audience “I am no dangerous person... and though I come out of Pope’s-head alley, am as good a Protestant as any in my parish”.
However, despite Jonson’s best efforts, ‘Father Christmas’ soon found himself at the centre of the 17th Century’s pamphlet wars, accused of personifying the worst excesses of popish ritual.
In The Examination and Tryall of Old Father Christmas of 1648, the royalist pamphleteer Josiah King portrays Father Christmas as an old, white bearded man put on trial by the Commonwealth. The charge sheet is long: “Christmas, thou art here indited… that thou hast from time to time, abused the people of this Common-wealth, drawing and inticing them to Drunkenness, gluttony, & unlawful Gaming, Wantonness, Uncleanness, Lasciviousness, Cursing, Swearing, abuse of the Creatures, some to one Vice, and some to another; all to Idleness”.
He pleads “not guilty” and his counsel points out: “All that I can say for this old man is, that he is a very kind and loving man; inoffensive to all: a hater of strife, a lover of harmless mirth”. That sounds more like our guy and the jury duly acquit him. As he himself reflects: “And though I generally come at a set time, yet I am with him every day that knows how to use me.”
That is a sentiment which chimes closely with the revival of Christmas celebrations at the beginning of the 19th Century.
In his historical poem of 1808 Marmion, Sir Walter Scott captures the same sentiment:
England was merry England, when
Old Christmas brought his sports again.
‘Twas Christmas broach’d the mightiest ale;
‘Twas Christmas told the merriest tale;
A Christmas gambol oft could cheer
The poor man’s heart through half the year.
This somewhat nostalgia-tinged vision animates Thomas Hervey’s popular The Book of Christmas, an allegory in the Jonson mould, full of splendid illustrations by John Seymour that portray Old Father Christmas, complete with full beard, fur robes, and a holly wreath, riding out on a Yule goat, while holding a basket of victuals and a wassail bowl.
Dickens, of course, would take this even further in 1843 in A Christmas Carol, where the splendid Ghost of Christmas Present, bare-chested, swathed in a green cloak and perched on top of a mountain of steaming comestibles, is clearly a deluxe version of old Father Christmas.
But his pre-eminence wouldn’t last.
In the 1850s, Santa arrives in England from America – a new superhero perfectly suited to a new festival based on, as the historian Ronald Hutton puts it, “children, bounty and charity”. The rest of the story you know.
But some of us keep the old faith. I like to think Raymond Briggs was channelling it when he created his grumpy, hard-working Father Christmas who hates the weather, resents his job, but relishes every mouthful of his “lovely grub”.
The real old Christmas spirit.
The UnOz’s 2023 Person Of The Year
The UnOz’s Person of the Year award is one of the most anticipated events of the year, with defamation lawyers everywhere especially keen to see the list.
2023 was a year like no other. For Australia it felt like a long night out at a karaoke joint. Peter Dutton refused to sing anything other than the verse of Amy Winehouse’s hit Rehab, no, no, no. 60% of Australia turned their nose up at the chance to sing the John Farnham hit, You’re The Voice, apparently they couldn’t understand it. Whilst our Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was left alone in the corner belting out, What About Me?
Before we look forward to what barrel of fun 2024 has in store let’s look back at who or what put their hand up in 2023 to be considered The UnOz’s person of the year.
Australia’s Defamation Lawyers
What a year this bunch of legal eagles have had. Managing to convince Lachlan Murdoch, Ben Roberts-Smith and a high-profile Toowomba man to chuck it all on the table for a chance at redemption, and a bucket of cash.
The Reserve Bank has actually warned that should these high-profile cases continue and the money keeps flowing to lawyers then they will inevitably have to raise interest rates, to curb inflation. The Nation looks to you Alan Jones.
The Reserve Bank Of Australia
New Governor, same penchant to put the Nation’s nuts in a vice and squeeze. They say they’re doing it for the country’s own good, but we all know that they get off on it.
George Pell
Tony Abbott said of Cardinal Pell: ”He touched us all.” Thankfully, the Cardinal didn’t touch anyone this year, instead he did something even more special to help heal the Nation, he died!
Though he can’t be here in person to accept his nomination, we’re sure the Cardinal is looking up with a smile as he tries to find the switch to turn down the heat.
Alan Jones
A real touchy subject, allegedly.
Peter Dutton
Captain charisma has really had a year that no one predicted. Managing to woo the Nation’s press pack who spent the year making goo goo eyes at him whilst spreading rumours about his nemesis Albo.
Some even think he is destined to win the next election. To be fair there are also people out there who think the World is flat or Wests Tigers might one day win a Premiership.
Johnny Bairstow
If the 2023 Ashes series was ever made into a movie then the part of Johnny would have to be played by Christopher Walken.
Given out after leaving his crease and being stumped, Johnny and England were not happy. They talked about the spirit of the game and got all in a huff. Refusing to join the Australians for a post series drink, might of been a mistake by Pat Cummins to walk over to the dressing room with bottle of Johnny Walker to share.
*If you disagree with our list of nominees, then leave a comment below with your nomination.
On behalf of Team UnOz thank you for visiting the site and have a great festive season, we will be back in early January with the all the best news, analysis and plagiarism.
Thanks for reading.
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Controversies over Christmas “Classics”
In Episode 405, Niki, Natalia, and Neil discuss controversies over Christmas “classics.”...
Social Group Man-Child Attends BBQ With Cadbury Favourites Instead Of Actual Food
Local man-child and social group deadweight, Trevor Millson (33), has again attended a Christmas social bbq with his friends brandishing nothing but a $10 box of Cadbury favourites.
Wearing a t-shirt and jeans combo recycled from his laundry hamper, Trev arrive 90 minutes late to the BBQ at Bicentennial Park, with even the group’s younger generation giving him a sideways glance as he sauntered over.
“I made a God damn quinoa and chicken salad for today, making sure I had all the dietary requirements covered,” steamed an upset Angie, school friend and historic babysitter to Trevor, “Michael brought half a bloody butchers shop, even Andrew picked up some non alcoholic beers for the designated drivers.”
Unaware or ambivalent to the ire of his friends, Trevor dumped the Favourites on the main table before scoffing down 2 chops, 3 sangas, and a six pack of craft beer.
“Ahh, Trev’s ok,” Michael told UnOz reporters, “it’s just sometimes I think my 6yr old has her shit together more than he does.
After lunch Trevor started complaining about having to buy a Kris Kringle present for a family event, before spending the rest of the afternoon swiping right on Tinder.
GK Kidd
@GKTweetsHard
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Doctor Who Christmas Special Trailer Suggests Fantasy-Filled Future
The upcoming Doctor Who Christmas Special will bring us more of Russell T. Davies' uncompromising writing and an apparent move into Fantasy.
Doctor Who: New Christmas Special Images Spotlight Gatwa, Gibson
Ncuti Gatwa & Millie Gibson get the spotlight in these new preview images for the Doctor Who Christmas special, "The Church on Ruby Road."