Australia
Strange Bag On Lounge Room Floor Up To No Good Say Nation’s Cats
Australia’s cats have been warned to treat the strange bag that is sitting in the middle of the lounge room with caution and suspicion.
“Its intentions and purpose are unknown at this present time and it wasn’t there this morning when I passed through the lounge room on my way out to the backyard to look for mynah birds,” said Peakhurst tabby Mittens. “The best course of action is to give it a wide berth and maybe carefully moving in for a sniff later on.”
“I’d strongly recommend letting the two legged food providers deal with any foreign object that materialises in the lounge room,” said feline security consultant Mr Socks. “I once went too close to a large pair of boots that were sitting in the lounge room and was forced to jump backwards with all four feet in air when they suddenly made a jiggling motion.”
“It’s a perfectly acceptable response to be alarmed by the arrival of any object on the lounge room floor that wasn’t there before,” said neighbouring persian Fluffles. “While reports of cats actually being eaten by strange bags are scanty, I did once hear of a cat being forced into a basket and taken away to see something called a vee-ee-tee and never being seen ever again.”
Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter
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Baby Booted From Arj Barker’s Show Signs On For Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars
In entertainment news, the baby who was this week booted out of comedian Arj Barker’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival show has been signed by agent to the stars Max Markson and announced as a contestant on Channel 7’s Dancing With The Stars.
”What a great get by the network, this kid is hot and will surely tear up the dance floor,” said entertainment reporter Hugh Gossip. ”Next year’s Dancing With The Stars is shaping up as an all-time classic for Channel 7.”
”What with the baby, Ben Roberts-Smith and Bruce Lehrmann. What a truly golden age for reality television.”
When asked how a baby who can’t even walk will be able to dance on a reality show, a Channel 7 executive said: ”It’s a very clever kid, it’ll work it out.”
”Besides, that’s not our biggest problem, we need to figure out how to get Bruce to dance whilst potentially in prison.”
”Hopefully Bruce’s cell mate is nimble on his feet.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and see a guy about getting some motivational powder for one of the contestants. I hope I don’t mix up the baby powder with the coke.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Woolworths Now Taking The Piss By Releasing Commemorative Turkish Delight Tins For Anzac Day
Woolworths CEO Brad Banducci has admitted that the supermarket chain is now just plain fucking with the Australian public as he unveiled the store’s new range of commemorative turkish delight tins in time for Anzac Day.
“Stuff everyone, I’ve only got five more months left in the job so I’m going out with a bang,” said the embattled chief executive. “The next person can deal with this mess. I’m calling it clean up in aisle “I quit”,”
One Nation leader Pauline Hanson was unavailable for comment as her head exploded like a shell landing at Lone Pine after she saw the tins whilst shopping in her local Woollies.
“Pauline hasn’t seen nothing yet, wait till she claps her beady eyes on the range of sushi rolls we have planned for the anniversary of the bombing of Darwin and the trick water squirting poppies we intend to sell on Remembrance Day,” chortled Banducci on his way out of the senate inquiry. “I don’t know why Pauline has it in for us. We both have the same business model; screwing as much money we can out of hapless Queensland farmers.”
Peter Green
@greeny_peter
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As Israel supporters weaponise Sydney attack as ‘Muslim’, early reports suggest killer was Cohen
No name of knife attacker killed by police has been officially released, despite senior officers saying the killer was known to the New South Wales force
The unnamed police officer who shot the knife attacker crouches over his body
Update: the attacker has finally been identified as Joel Cauchi, a 40yo Queensland man. Hartley Brewer and Kern seem to have deleted their tweets but only Hartley-Brewer has bothered to issue a correction at the time of this update. None has apologised and Riley has added a follow-up tweet in which she still attacks Palestinians supporters, saying ‘no, the man being named Joel Cauchi has not changed my opinion that is is wrong for people on the streets to be calling for mass terror attacks across the world’. Opponents of genocide are not, of course, doing this.
Pro-Israel apologists who tried to exploit today’s mass-casualty knife attack in Sydney, Australia, by claiming it was committed by ‘Islamists’ or ‘Jihadists’ and linking it to protests against Israel’s genocide in Gaza look to have been humiliated after early, though still unconfirmed, reports indicated the killer was a pro-Israel fanatic named Benjamin Cohen.
Five of the six killed were women, including a young mother stabbed while trying to protect her baby. Children are reportedly among those wounded.
A heroic Russian shopper held the knifeman back with a ‘bollard’ before a police officer fatally shot the killer
Right-wingers including TV ‘personalities’ Rachel Riley and Julia Hartley-Brewer were quick to put out social media posts blaming Muslims and supporters of Palestinian human rights:
And the rabid Lee Kern, unsurprisingly, spewed a string of tweets blaming ‘Muslim terrorists’ and ‘fundamentalists’:
The idea that another kind of fundamentalist may well be responsible for the murder of six innocent people and the wounding of five more does not seem to have perturbed their world view – at the time of writing, none of the trio have deleted their posts.
The name of the murderer, despite him being shot dead by an unnamed police officer – and comments from senior New South Wales police officers that the killer ‘was known to the police’ and no terrorist motive is suspected – has not been released, leading some to voice suspicions that this would never be the case if the killer was a Muslim. Only time will tell whether the early reports are correct.
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Australian Military Refuses To Disclose Arms Deal With Israel To Protect Its ‘Reputation’
Listen to a reading of this article (reading by Tim Foley):
https://medium.com/media/2b644031098aeba4fec3cda07e5dba80/href
Australia’s Defence Department has refused a Freedom of Information request about the details of an arms deal with Israel on the grounds that such information “could harm Australia’s international standing and reputation,” which suggests the details must be pretty damning. Equally as scandalous, this refusal was reportedly made in consultation with the Israeli government.
In an article titled “Details of defence deal with Israel kept under wraps to protect Australia’s ‘reputation’,” the ABC’s Andrew Greene details how the Australian military snubbed a Freedom of Information request by the Australian Greens regarding a “Memorandum of Understanding” between Australia and Israel that was signed in 2017.
“The document within the scope of this request contains information which, if released, could reasonably be expected to damage the international relations of the Commonwealth,” the Defence Department said in a letter explaining its rejection.
AWPR on Twitter: "Details of defence deal with Israel kept under wraps to protect Australia's 'reputation'"There is no place for secret arms treaties and secret arms deals between countries,"#auspol https://t.co/AcW9SkRDT7 / Twitter"
Details of defence deal with Israel kept under wraps to protect Australia's 'reputation'"There is no place for secret arms treaties and secret arms deals between countries,"#auspol https://t.co/AcW9SkRDT7
“A summary provided by the Australian Information Commissioner (OAIC) to the Greens reveals that the Israeli government was also consulted about releasing the document before Defence ultimately rejected the FOI request,” the ABC reports.
“The document contains information communicated to Australia by a foreign government and its officials under the expectation that it would not be disclosed,” a Defence official wrote in justification of its decision.
Greens senator David Shoebridge objected, saying “There is no place for secret arms treaties and secret arms deals between countries, and there is certainly no place for giving other countries veto power over what the Australian government tells the public about our government’s defence and arms deals.”
“Over 30,000 people have been killed by the State of Israel in Gaza in the past six months. In this context, the Australian public has a right to know about the military trade relationship with the State of Israel,” added Shoebridge.
David Shoebridge on Twitter: "Australia has a secret defence industry cooperation deal with Israel and you're not allowed to know what's in it because apparently Israel has a veto on Australian FOI!? Why, and what, are they hiding? pic.twitter.com/Sjc28vYdMO / Twitter"
Australia has a secret defence industry cooperation deal with Israel and you're not allowed to know what's in it because apparently Israel has a veto on Australian FOI!? Why, and what, are they hiding? pic.twitter.com/Sjc28vYdMO
It’s wild to think about the fact that the Australian warmakers determined this admission, that the truth would harm Australia’s reputation, to be the option that was least destructive to Australia’s reputation. When someone tells you “I can’t tell you the truth about that because the truth will make everyone dislike me,” it means they’ve ruled out every other option before coming to that position because the truth really is that ugly.
It’s like coming home to find your husband frantically burning clothes and mopping up blood and asking him what’s going on, and he says “I can’t tell you because the truth would harm your opinion of me.” Your very first thought after that is going to be that he must have done something very, very bad if that’s the best answer he could give you.
Back in November lawyer and researcher Kelly Trantner published an article with Declassified Australia titled “Australia’s role in the bombing of Gaza” about Israel’s use of Australian equipment to conduct its F-35 bombing campaigns, writing that “no bombs could be dropped on Gaza by an F-35 without parts manufactured for the F-35s by Melbourne company, Rosebank Engineering.”
Trantner notes that more than 70 Australian companies have been awarded “over $4.13 billion in global production and sustainment contracts through the F-35 program to date.” Since the writing of Trantner’s piece, during Israel’s active genocide in Gaza, the Australian Army has drawn controversy by awarding a billion-dollar contract to Israeli arms manufacturer Elbit Systems.
KellieTranter on Twitter: "'Australia's complete integration into the F-35 global supply chain means that every jet that flies has many Australian parts. And countries using them,like Israel, depend on the replenishment of those parts as needed'#Gaza #CeasefireNowInGaza #auspol https://t.co/5vflkL7FHK / Twitter"
'Australia's complete integration into the F-35 global supply chain means that every jet that flies has many Australian parts. And countries using them,like Israel, depend on the replenishment of those parts as needed'#Gaza #CeasefireNowInGaza #auspol https://t.co/5vflkL7FHK
As we’ve discussed many times, Australia is functionally a military and intelligence asset of the same US-centralized empire as Israel. We’re currently falling all over ourselves helping the US prepare for a future war with China, and we’ve been providing logistical support for the US and UK bombing campaign against Ansarallah in Yemen. If all the violence and chaos we’re seeing in the middle east leads to the US committing to a direct full-scale war in the region, we may be absolutely certain that Canberra will march us into that one as well. All while the empire cages an Australian journalist in a maximum security prison for exposing its war crimes.
Australia, like Israel, is not a real country. Like Israel, Australia is nothing other than a settler-colonialist outpost of western imperialism built on genocide, ethnic cleansing and theft, and now operates in a way that is inseparable from the US war machine. This land will never know peace or justice until we have extricated ourselves from the talons of the empire.
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Craig McLachlan To Portray Bruce Lehrmann In New Channel 7 Bio-Pic
Channel 7 has taken a break from allegedly scoring drugs and massages, to cast failed stand up comedian, Craig McLachlan, in their upcoming Bruce Lehrmann bio-pic.
”Casting for Bruce has been a hard process,” said a Channel 7 casting director. ”It’s not about resemblance physically but more the vibe of the actor.”
”Craig ticks so many boxes.”
When asked what we could expect from the Bruce Lehrmann bio-pic, the Channel 7 casting director said: ”Look, the script hasn’t been completed as of yet, heck, the finish is a definite unknown.”
”Although, we have booked a lot of time to film in Toowomba.”
”This film will be less Underbelly and more redemption story. Not for Bruce, but more for the brave network executives who went out on a limb to make the World a better place for Sydney’s drug dealers.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Video: Miriam Margolyes’s powerful statement on ‘vicious, genocidal’ Israel
Jewish actress posts no-holds-barred video supporting Jewish Council of Australia, attacked by Zionists for ceasefire call
Jewish actress and national treasure Miriam Margolyes, a joint UK and Australian citizen, has posted a video supporting the Jewish Council of Australia (JCA) call for an immediate and permanent halt to Israel’s genocidal assault on Gaza – along with the imposition of sanctions and an immediate end to Australia’s military ties with Israel.
The JCA has been heavily attacked by pro-Israel groups for the call, with the attacks following similar lines to the dismissal in the UK of left-wing Jewish groups by right-wing nationalist organisations and politicians.
In her video, Margolyes says she has never been more ashamed of Israel – which she described as a ‘vicious, genocidal, nationalist nation’:
Despite the antisemitic representation by western governments and media as if all Jews support Israel, very many do not – and even many who have supported it are disgusted by Israel’s mass murder of, so far, more than forty thousand Palestinian civilians, overwhelmingly women and children, and the blockade and assaults it is using to starve two million more. The UK and Australian establishments continue their complicity in Israel’s war crimes.
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Sunrise Cash Cow To Be Replaced With The Channel 7 Drug Mule
Beleaguered television network, Channel 7, has today announced that the beloved star of Sunrise the cash cow is to be replaced with the network’s newest star, the drug mule.
”The cash cow has been good for us, but, you know, never a bad time to freshen things up,” sniffed a Channel 7 Executive. ”The drug mule is the mascot of the future, kids will love it.”
”And you never know who’s gonna be in the costume, could be Bruce one week, Schapelle the next. Don’t suppose you’ve got cocaine Cassie’s number?”
When asked whether the network had any remorse for the sex, drugs and Lehrmann scandal, the Channel 7 Executive sniffed: ”Let he who has not paid for an interview with hookers and blow cast the first stone.”
”Media has for centuries provided a bit of quid pro quo.”
”You think Jesus, didn’t get a basket or two of loaves and fishes in exchange for a sneak peak of the sermon on the mount?”
”Anyway, enough chit chat, I’ve got sources to source and hookers to book.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Dutton Tipped To Announce Homer Simpson As New Nuclear Advisor
Australian Opposition leader (yep,really), Peter Dutton, is tipped to announce this week that fictional character Homer Simpson will be his new nuclear advisor in the run up to the next election.
”Homer Simpson brings a lot to the table,” said a Dutton confidant. ”The kids love the Simpsons, they’ve been around forever.”
”And it’s pretty hard to argue with a cartoon character, don’t believe me, watch Barnaby Joyce on Sunrise each week.”
When asked why the Government would take advice from a fictional character, the Dutton confidant said: ”Fictional character for a fictional idea. I mean you don’t think all this nuclear nonsense is real do you?”
”I mean could you imagine a party trying to sell nuclear in this day and age?”
”Safety aside, have you seen how much the bloody things cost?”
”Anyway, this whole nuclear thing is just a distraction, something to keep the press occupied and Gina happy. Besides the next election won’t be around energy, it’ll be on whatever scare campaign we can cook up around Albo and his Government.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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”What Do You Mean School Holidays Is Still 2 Week’s Off!” Scream Nation’s Teachers
Australian school teachers have let out a collective scream, upon the realisation that the World’s longest term still has a week and a half to go.
”Oh, dear God please end this term,” cried Launceston Primary school teacher Mary Chalk. ”The kids are ratty, they’re all sugared up from Easter and quite frankly I’m not paid enough for this.”
”An 11 week term! What genius thought this one up.”
It’s not just Teachers upset, parents aren’t happy with school holidays and Easter not lining up this year as well.
”Bloody bureaucrats, don’t they realise that a lot of people just go away for the whole Easter/school holidays.” said Father of two Ivar Jeep. ”I mean, this weekend we only got a couple of days down at the shack, wasn’t even worth bringing down the boat.”
”And we’ve gotta do it all again in two weeks time.”
”Should’ve just left the boat there.”
The education department could not be reached for comment, they were already on holidays.
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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