satire
Gina Rinehart Books The Federal Court For Her Families Christmas Lunch
Australia’s favourite billionaire, according to low rating news channel Sky News Australia, Gina Rinehart, has booked the Federal court for her families Christmas lunch.
”The Federal court is a wonderful place to hold an event,” said a friend of the family. ”It has everything you could ever need for a lovely day,”
”Whether it be, salt, pepper, a restraining order, you name it, they’ve got it.”
When asked why Gina and her children were estranged, the family friend said: ”Oh, they’re not estranged they just don’t see each other that often.”
”Besides, Gina’s house is so big that you could walk around for a year without seeing anyone. Who knows, maybe her kids are just lost.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, Gina’s car needs a wash I must call Peter Dutton to come over and do it.”
@MWChatShow
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Bored Barnaby Takes Up A Hobby: Conspiracy Theories
Recently married root rat, bored Barnaby Joyce, has taken up a new hobby, investigating conspiracy theories.
”I was sitting at home last Friday night, bored out of my brain, when I decided to look at one of the many millions of Youtube clips that old mate Christo sends me,” said Bored Barnaby. ”Well, this one was on JFK and before you know it, 6 hours later I was quite enlightened.”
”Did you know that your phone spies on you?”
”I always wondered how Facebook figured out to give me ads for Ashley Madison.”
When asked, how he was settling into married life, Bored Barnaby said: ”It’s like golf really, except you’re always playing the one hole.”
”Sometimes you get lucky and get a round in on the back nine, but never another course.”
”God, I miss a good weekend away playing multiple courses over multiple days.”
@MWChatShow
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Sky News Encourages Their Viewers, All 6 Of Them, To Get Behind Dutton
Low rating news channel, Sky News Australia, has put out the rally cry for their viewers, all 6 of them, to get behind low-polling Opposition leader, the Dark Lord Peter Dutton.
”We need our viewers to muck in and get behind good ol’ Petey Dutton,” said Sky News host, convicted racist Andrew Bolt. ”I can’t wait for a country led by Pete.”
”The air will be crisper, the sun brighter and everything will be a comfortable shade of white.”
When asked why a news channel, admittedly a very low-rating one, would seemingly be barracking for one side of politics rather than remaining neutral, Mr Bolt said: ”We just want what’s best for Australia.”
”And by Australia, of course I mean our demographic, aging, predominantly white boomers,”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m having a little soiree for all my fans and must make sure the telephone booth down the road is free.”
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Gladys To Compensate All Optus Customers With A Free Pass To The Dubbo Gun Club
Optus’ reigning self-appointed employee of the month, Gladys Berejiklian, has promised all customers effected by the nation-wide outage that they would be compensated with a free pass to the Dubbo Gun Club.
”I know that our customers have been inconvenienced, believe me, as a customer myself I couldn’t do my Wordle this morning,” said the former Premier. ”So, as compensation I say head to Dubbo and a round of shooting is on me.”
”It’s a great club, I should know, I redirected the funds to it myself.”
When asked why customers should stick with Optus given the companies myriad of problems, gold standard Gladys said: ”What’s the alternative, you’re gonna go to Telstra?”
”Good luck trying to get out of one of our contracts.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to get to the bottom of what caused this outage and find the person that I plan to throw under a bus. Imagine if they were named Darryl, wouldn’t that be funny?”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Boris: "We Took Back Britain. Now We're Taking Back India!"
In a surprise move, the UK government has announced plans to retake it's former colonial holdings on the Indian subcontinent, in a bid to bolster the country's post-Brexit global trade profile.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson addressed the media late yesterday from his "Westminster Shag Pad", saying "This deal, skillfully and unilaterally negotiated with our subjects, means that Britain immediately becomes not only self-sufficient in tea and sugar, but also the world's leading exporter of exotic spices, jute and fine muslin."
Shaking his pith-helmeted head at suggestions that that the return of the Raj to India might incur domestic job losses, Johnson claimed that "For those seeking work as colonial administrators, I am pleased to announce that at last the lean years are over. Indeed if anything this initiative will be a significant net job creator for boys who went to good schools."
Addressing former European partners, the Prime Minister provocatively asked "Do you see the wan and effete peoples of France, Holland, Portugal, or God help us the Belgians, hamstrung as they are by petty bureacracy, embracing the world beyond their doorstep - with gunboats if necessary?"
"This government is bold and forward-looking. This government is committed to building an empire fit for purpose in the twenty-first century. And this government will have access to a steady supply of opium beyond its' wildest dreams. Huzzah!"
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