In a surprise move, the UK government has announced plans to retake it's former colonial holdings on the Indian subcontinent, in a bid to bolster the country's post-Brexit global trade profile.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson addressed the media late yesterday from his "Westminster Shag Pad", saying "This deal, skillfully and unilaterally negotiated with our subjects, means that Britain immediately becomes not only self-sufficient in tea and sugar, but also the world's leading exporter of exotic spices, jute and fine muslin."

Shaking his pith-helmeted head at suggestions that that the return of the Raj to India might incur domestic job losses, Johnson claimed that "For those seeking work as colonial administrators, I am pleased to announce that at last the lean years are over. Indeed if anything this initiative will be a significant net job creator for boys who went to good schools."

Addressing former European partners, the Prime Minister provocatively asked "Do you see the wan and effete peoples of France, Holland, Portugal, or God help us the Belgians, hamstrung as they are by petty bureacracy, embracing the world beyond their doorstep - with gunboats if necessary?"

"This government is bold and forward-looking. This government is committed to building an empire fit for purpose in the twenty-first century. And this government will have access to a steady supply of opium beyond its' wildest dreams. Huzzah!"