satire
Baby Booted From Arj Barker’s Show Signs On For Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars
In entertainment news, the baby who was this week booted out of comedian Arj Barker’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival show has been signed by agent to the stars Max Markson and announced as a contestant on Channel 7’s Dancing With The Stars.
”What a great get by the network, this kid is hot and will surely tear up the dance floor,” said entertainment reporter Hugh Gossip. ”Next year’s Dancing With The Stars is shaping up as an all-time classic for Channel 7.”
”What with the baby, Ben Roberts-Smith and Bruce Lehrmann. What a truly golden age for reality television.”
When asked how a baby who can’t even walk will be able to dance on a reality show, a Channel 7 executive said: ”It’s a very clever kid, it’ll work it out.”
”Besides, that’s not our biggest problem, we need to figure out how to get Bruce to dance whilst potentially in prison.”
”Hopefully Bruce’s cell mate is nimble on his feet.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and see a guy about getting some motivational powder for one of the contestants. I hope I don’t mix up the baby powder with the coke.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Dutton Demands A National Apology: From Rape Victims To His Senators
The Opposition leader (as of writing), Peter Dutton, has demanded a national apology from all Australian rape victims to his Senators.
”I understand that rape can be traumatic, Jen Morrison was good enough to drop by the party room and give us a talk on how so, but, nevertheless it doesn’t give you carte blanche to besmirch my Senators,” said the Opposition leader. ”Poor Lynda Reynolds, this whole saga could effect her future career prospects.”
”But, don’t despair when I am anointed as this Nation’s supreme leader I will find a nice cushy diplomatic post for her.”
”Maybe Afghanistan, I think she’d get on well with the Taliban.”
When asked why, he and his party were going after rape victims, Mr Dutton said: ”We are not targeting anybody, we are simply saying that if you cross us, we will come after you.”
”Anthony Albanese has a lot to answer for, this whole Lehrmann debacle happened under his watch, when he was Opposition leader.”
”Why didn’t he hold the Government I was a part of to account?”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Exhausted Jen Up All Night Explaining The Lehrmann Verdict To ScoMo
Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s wife, Jen Morrison, has taken the day off today due to exhaustion from spending the night trying to explain to her husband the Lehrmann verdict.
“Poor Jen, it took hours to explain this to ScoMo,” said a friend of the couple. ”She tried everything, from finger puppets to bible verses to interpretive dance.”
”The finger puppets turned out to be the best method of getting the message through to him.”
When asked whether the former PM would be commenting on the result in the Lehrmann case, the family friend said: ”He might pop up to deliver a soundbite if it’ll help him flog a few books.”
”Heck, I’m surprised ScoMo didn’t have a stand outside the court selling copies.”
”Don’t suppose you want to buy my copy, it’s signed.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Liz Truss Unexpurgated: 40 Days to Save the West
I was strolling down a Balinese beach, sipping an Arak cocktail with the sun setting behind me when the terrible news broke. Boris Johnson had resigned, and I was needed back in London pronto to save the West.
To be honest, the inconvenience and timing of it all astounded me. My staff had only just begun to unpack my luggage, I had not finalised my dinner order (lobster bisque or thermidor?) and now I was expected to abandon the G20 meeting and fly 19 hours in a private Ministerial jet, which was running low on Fever Tree tonic water, in order to make a bid to be Prime Minister.
Three months later and defying all the odds I had won the hearts of the 0.001% of British people who had any say in the matter and was elected Prime Minister on a wave of national indifference.
The next day I flew to Balmoral and met the Queen who greeted me with the words “Not another one” and her signature eye roll.
We talked for about half an hour, and as I set out my plans for how I was going to save the West she nodded thoughtfully with her eyes closed and, when she came to suddenly, told me that she was going to be very busy in the coming months and might not be able to see me as often as she would have liked. If at all.
Two days later the terrible news came through of her death.
“I can’t really blame her,” my husband Hugh muttered as he unpacked our luggage and stepped over piles of dog poo that had been left by the previous tenants.
Whatever Hugh thought, the Queen could not help the timing of her death but the inconvenience of it all and the rank disregard for my feelings astounded me.
The dream I had had since childhood of saving the West from the Woke Establishment and the Anti-Growth Deep State would have to be put on hold.
The next two weeks were spent practising my most solemn looks in the bathroom mirror while Hugh fretted over Ocado deliveries, and the children played ‘World War Three’ in the nuclear bunker. And it was only once the funeral had passed that I could really get on with the Instagram photoshoots and the other business of government.
In early October I was invited to the European Political Summit in Prague and frankly, the timing could not have been worse. I had a longstanding appointment with Franco my hairdresser and one which could not really be cancelled because excuses like ‘leadership summits’ or ‘I’ve just been made prime minister’ simply do not cut or blow dry it with Franco. All attempts to get the other European leaders to change the date failed as they closed ranks against me. One angry hairdresser, a lost deposit and a pair of straighteners later I found myself in the Czech capital.
There I was greeted by a smiling President Macron of France who told me how nice it was to meet me and that he hoped that relations between the EU and Great Britain could be normalised again. The gall of the man astounded me. Seventeen point four million Britons had not voted to break free of the European stranglehold only for their Prime Minister to be insulted this way, I told him, adding that I intended to, “take our pork markets elsewhere.”
Back in London Hugh was trying to turn Downing Street into a home but the complete lack of support was nothing short of shocking. Having watched Love Actually in preparation for the move, I had been led to believe that Number Ten would be full of unconvincing cockney maids pushing tea trolleys about the place, but clearly, Hugh Grant had sacked them all. So, when we were in the flat, we were obliged to make our own beverages, run our own baths and even microwave our own Charlie Bingham lasagnas.
On one shocking occasion, I ran out of pule donkey cheese and Madeira and was forced to send an aide to Tesco to buy some ‘finest camembert’ and own brand port.
All the while the brilliant mind of Kwasi Kwarteng was working overtime to deliver the Tufton Street dream of a low-tax, high-performance economy that would reward ordinary, hard-working Britons on six-figure salaries and take a little pressure off those boarding school fees and holidays in the Maldives.
“Unfunded tax cuts of £45 billion? Shouldn’t you be running that stuff past the Office for Budget Responsibility?” Asked Hugh as the Chancellor and I high-fived over the draft mini budget – but as Kwasi pointed out who needs fiscal responsibility when you have mates in the IEA egging you on!
Twenty-four hours later Kwasi delivered his ‘growth plan’ to the House of Commons and twenty-five hours later, the economy crashed.
Three days later the pound reached an historic low against the dollar and all attempts to tell colleagues that this was part of the plan fell on deaf ears. I soon realised that the Communist Bank of England, in league with the anti-growth, Marxist Treasury, working in league with the socialist global economy had connived to bring my hopes and dreams crashing to the ground. Reaching for a protein drink labelled ‘Raab’ in the Downing Street fridge, Hugh looked at me wearily and said: “I did fucking TRY to tell you.”
Soon the machinery of the Deep State had turned against me once more and I was being blamed for things which were nothing whatsoever to do with me, or Kwasi or our plans.
I had had forty days to save the West. If only I had had forty more. Or forty more on top of that. But it was not to be.
Some have said that I failed – I say that you all failed me.
Property Developers Plan To Turn Bluey’s House Into A Nursing Home
Property developers in Brisbane have bandied together to purchase the property owned by the Heeler family as featured in the Sylvania waters style reality tv series, Bluey. With plans afoot to knock down the property and turn it into a nursing home.
”When a property becomes available with such a significant backyard your first thought is how can we turn this into something more profitable,” said Red Hill based Property developer Irwin R Shyster. ”We did initially plan on turning it into 20 dog box apartments.”
”But, when we crunched the numbers we figured there is way more coin to be made in the nursing home sector.”
When asked why in the middle of a housing crisis would developers look to taking out homes like Bluey’s and converting them to other uses, Mr Shyster said: ”Old people need to live somewhere too.”
”I mean, we can’t have them living in their own homes spending their own money when they could be giving that money to us.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear there is some asbestos laden mulch in the area, that would make great blankets for our new nursing home.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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ScoMo Laughs After Hiding From Jen & The Girls, Pretending To Be Raptured
Former Australian Prime Minister (yep, really), Scott Morrison, has posted on social media of how he tricked his wife and children into believing that he’d been raptured after hiding from them yesterday morning.
”You should’ve seen the looks on their faces when they thought I’d been raptured, they were so happy,” said the former PM. ”Then when I jumped out and said, got ya, they were so relived that they all burst into tears.”
”Oh, how they cried, I assume it was with relief.”
When asked how his book was progressing, former PM said: ”There’s a lot of interest out there to read the good book of ScoMo.”
”You should see the reactions of people when I hand them a copy.”
”There’s a lot of oh God’s and how in the Lord’s name did you get my number.”
”Little Joshy Frydenburg for instance, I think he was speaking in tongues when I called him up to offer him a copy.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Craig McLachlan To Portray Bruce Lehrmann In New Channel 7 Bio-Pic
Channel 7 has taken a break from allegedly scoring drugs and massages, to cast failed stand up comedian, Craig McLachlan, in their upcoming Bruce Lehrmann bio-pic.
”Casting for Bruce has been a hard process,” said a Channel 7 casting director. ”It’s not about resemblance physically but more the vibe of the actor.”
”Craig ticks so many boxes.”
When asked what we could expect from the Bruce Lehrmann bio-pic, the Channel 7 casting director said: ”Look, the script hasn’t been completed as of yet, heck, the finish is a definite unknown.”
”Although, we have booked a lot of time to film in Toowomba.”
”This film will be less Underbelly and more redemption story. Not for Bruce, but more for the brave network executives who went out on a limb to make the World a better place for Sydney’s drug dealers.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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7 Tells Lehrmann You’re Off The Bachelor And Heading To SAS Australia
Channel 7 has taken a break from surfing the dark net for sex and drugs to call their favourite son, Bruce Lehrmann, to tell him he won’t be on this year’s Bachelor program but instead will be on SAS Australia.
”When we signed up Bruce we thought he would be a big star, interviews, the Bachelor, heck ,maybe even the new host of Carols by Candlelight.” said a Channel 7 Executive. ”But, you know the public hasn’t warmed to him as we expected so maybe a stint on SAS Australia will help.”
”Ant will help lil” Brucey tow the line, as opposed to snorting it.”
When asked why the network was investing so much in such a flawed individual, the Channel Seven executive said: ”He’s not that flawed, I mean he’s no Andrew O’Keefe.”
”Look, someone has to look out for lil’ Brucey, he’s just a man who went back to the office late at night to drink some scotch, do a little work and well things went a bit awry.”
”Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, we’re trying to land an exclusive interview with Bluey, don’t suppose you know where I can grab some Scooby snacks?”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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”What Do You Mean School Holidays Is Still 2 Week’s Off!” Scream Nation’s Teachers
Australian school teachers have let out a collective scream, upon the realisation that the World’s longest term still has a week and a half to go.
”Oh, dear God please end this term,” cried Launceston Primary school teacher Mary Chalk. ”The kids are ratty, they’re all sugared up from Easter and quite frankly I’m not paid enough for this.”
”An 11 week term! What genius thought this one up.”
It’s not just Teachers upset, parents aren’t happy with school holidays and Easter not lining up this year as well.
”Bloody bureaucrats, don’t they realise that a lot of people just go away for the whole Easter/school holidays.” said Father of two Ivar Jeep. ”I mean, this weekend we only got a couple of days down at the shack, wasn’t even worth bringing down the boat.”
”And we’ve gotta do it all again in two weeks time.”
”Should’ve just left the boat there.”
The education department could not be reached for comment, they were already on holidays.
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Katie Britt Wants You to Be Afraid — It’s the Fuel That Feeds Conservative Power
Last week, Katie Britt, one of Alabama’s two Christian nationalist senators, provided a now-notorious rebuttal...