Melbourne
Baby Booted From Arj Barker’s Show Signs On For Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars
In entertainment news, the baby who was this week booted out of comedian Arj Barker’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival show has been signed by agent to the stars Max Markson and announced as a contestant on Channel 7’s Dancing With The Stars.
”What a great get by the network, this kid is hot and will surely tear up the dance floor,” said entertainment reporter Hugh Gossip. ”Next year’s Dancing With The Stars is shaping up as an all-time classic for Channel 7.”
”What with the baby, Ben Roberts-Smith and Bruce Lehrmann. What a truly golden age for reality television.”
When asked how a baby who can’t even walk will be able to dance on a reality show, a Channel 7 executive said: ”It’s a very clever kid, it’ll work it out.”
”Besides, that’s not our biggest problem, we need to figure out how to get Bruce to dance whilst potentially in prison.”
”Hopefully Bruce’s cell mate is nimble on his feet.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and see a guy about getting some motivational powder for one of the contestants. I hope I don’t mix up the baby powder with the coke.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Dutton Sick Of The Division In Australia Demands We All Call Them Potato Scallops
Divisive Peter Dutton has called for the nation to come together and settle the argument once and for all by demanding that all Australian’s call them potato scallops.
”It’s time for someone to take charge and start dealing with the issues that matter to ordinary everyday Australians,” said the Opposition leader. ”Those dirty Melbourne based lefties think they know it all and call them potato cakes.”
”Well enough is enough, under my Government anyone who dares to call them potato cakes will be shot.”
When asked why he was always seeking to cause division and animosity in the community, the Opposition leader said: ”I do not seek to divide, I am not a monster, don’t believe me, go ask my wife, she wrote a news paper article about it.”
”This country will be a better place when I am appointed supreme leader and the Labor party is sent off to exile in Nauru.”
”What a time it will be, the streets will flow with the blood of the non-Dutton supporters.”
”All this talk of dictatorships has got me all worked up, I must go and find a puppy to strangle to calm the nerves.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Banks Call On The Government To Allow The Trading Of Human Organs
The Nation’s banks have called on the Albanese Government to relax the laws around selling human organs in order to allow people to afford the latest interest rate rise.
”The Government needs to do all it can to allow us to grow our profits, err, I mean help people with the cost of living,” said a Spokesperson for the Association of Total Bankers. ”People are struggling to pay their bills and this is not good for our bottom line.”
”So come on Albo, let’s get the kidney trade going.”
When asked whether they really expected people to tolerate human organ trading, the Spokesperson for the Association of Total Bankers said: ”Cottages in Sydney are going for $3 million, cottages! And no one’s batting an eyelid.”
”Organ trading is the natural progression, it’s a win-win situation.”
”Young ‘uns get the houses, boomers get the kidneys and banks get the money. Everyone wins!”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I saw a child down the road with some candy. They don’t need that.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Melvid
I don’t know why I do it … but I like assembling pictures of MJD looking at MJD
I got back from visiting MJD in Melbourne yesterday. I managed to get a flight for not much more then the petrol would have cost. I only had to drive the three hours to Mildura Airports dodging the roos and emus but not a snigle other car on the road. It was great to catch up with Matthew, he’s a good old mate from way back. We went to the coast to gawp at boats but the weather was so wild we gave it a miss. I tried to buy some clothes but almost had a heart-attack when the nice young chap told me the price for some trousers. Instead I made do with a posh meal at Phillippes with Matthew. I liked to think we bought the tone of the place down, like that scene from the Blues Brothers.
After a 2 hour delayed flight and the three hour drive up the Silver-City Highway I felt a bit rough. A PCR test before work the next day came back covid +ve, the second time I’ve had this bloody lergy. I have spent the day on the couch feeling a bit rough. I found an old 1979 Talisman 37 which just came on the market over in Rushcutters Bay in Sydney for $65k. It won’t cure covid but it would be nice to sail away on.
For sale, Talisman 37
Anyway, not much more to write about. My head feels like it’s been stewed.