liberal
The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats
Listen to a reading of this article (reading by Tim Foley):
https://medium.com/media/bd8c0e8f4f465b43d1063ad50564857f/href
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that if a Republican president were to back a genocide it would be an evil and unforgivable atrocity, whereas when a Democrat president backs a genocide it’s a minor foible that you’d better shut up about unless you want Trump to win.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans want to keep destroying Gaza because they love killing Muslims, whereas Democrats want to keep destroying Gaza because something something it’s all Netanyahu’s fault anyway hey let’s go back to talking about Trump.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans argue in support of wars, militarism, capitalism and oppression using right-wing language, whereas Democrats argue in support of wars, militarism, capitalism and oppression using left-wing language.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans do evil things for evil reasons, whereas Democrats do evil things for noble humanitarian reasons.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans facilitate all the interests of the US empire because America is strong and godly and should rule the world, whereas Democrats facilitate all the interests of the US empire because America is liberal and egalitarian and defends the rules-based international order.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans want to start a world war with China, whereas Democrats are strongly in favor of starting a world war with Russia.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans cheered for the invasion of Iraq solely because it was waged by George W Bush, whereas Democrats criticized the invasion of Iraq solely because it was waged by George W Bush.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that the people massacring civilians in the global south under Republican administrations are racist homophobic misogynistic bigots, whereas the people massacring civilians in the global south under Democratic administrations are inclusive intersectional feminist LGBTQ allies.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans criticize Democrats for made-up nonsense reasons like wokeness, whereas Democrats criticize Republicans for made-up nonsense reasons like Russiagate.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans promise to end civil rights if you vote Republican, whereas Democrats promise to let Republicans end civil rights if you vote Republican.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans are led by demented octogenarian swamp monsters who can’t string a sentence together and have spent decades in office promoting ecocide, imperialism, exploitation and oligarchy, whereas Democrats — oh, well I guess that one’s both of them actually.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that liberals feel bad feelings when Republicans are overseeing the imperial bloodbaths and feel good feelings when Democrats are.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that when a Republican is president it’s time to yell and scream about any bad things he does, whereas when a Democrat is president it’s time for brunch.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that when Republicans do the monstrous things necessary to maintain a globe-spanning empire they’re the greater evil, whereas when Democrats do the monstrous things necessary to maintain a globe-spanning empire they’re the lesser evil.
The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that when the imperial murder machine has an (R) on it we’re meant to frown, and when the imperial murder machine has a (D) on it we’re meant to smile.
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Sussan Defends Dutton: ”He Can’t Be A Liar, His Pants Are Not On Fire”
The Liberal party’s deputy leader (yep, really), Sussan Ley, has defended the parties leader Peter Dutton from accusations of lying, declaring that Peter can’t be a liar as his pants are not on fire.
”The press and Mr Albanese like to throw around accusations like, that’s a lie, why are you lying and can’t you ever tell the truth Mr Dutton,” stated Susssan. ”But, they don’t realise how foolish they look, as the public don’t care about the truth they just care about what they hear.”
”And trust me, between now and the next election they will be hearing a lot from myself and Peter Dutton.”
When asked why the Opposition leader seemingly only did soft interviews with sycophant’s like Ray Hadley and Ben Fordham, Sussssan Ley said: ”No one hits harder than Ray Hadley, he gives Peter quite a workout each week.”
”Pete says that some days it feels like being flogged with warm lettuce.”
”I bet Mr Albanese wouldn’t like being flogged with warm lettuce. Probably worried he’d upset the Greens.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, Peter said that Albo allegedly eats live goats. I must and go and do a press conference on this.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Canberra Braces Itself After Barnaby Is Tasked With Organising Albo’s Bucks
The sleepy little town of Canberra is bracing itself this week after it was announced that the Opposition’s shadow minister for home affairs, Barnaby Joyce, had been tasked with organising Prime Minister Anthony Albanese’s upcoming bucks party.
”It’s an honour to be handed the reins to Albo’s bucks,” said the member for New England. ”I know Bill Shorten had put his hand up, but his idea of going knife throwing was quickly shot down.”
”I will make it a night to remember, well for those of us that don’t get blackout drunk, it will definitely be.”
When asked what could be expected at the upcoming bucks, Mr Joyce said: ”Well, usually what happens on a bucks stays on a bucks. But, as I’m keen to sell the story to the highest bidder I might give you a glimpse.”
”There’ll be the usual, you know, drinks, rippers a donkey show.”
”I know Albo likes his music, so I will definitely have to find a strip club with a good DJ.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to work, these strippers won’t audition themselves.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Coalition Backbenchers Busy Googling How To Polish A Turd
Coalition backbenchers worried about the pathetic polling of their leader, the Dark Lord Peter Dutton, have spent the day googling how to polish a turd in anticipation of shadow Treasurer Angus Taylor challenging for the leadership.
”It was always a risk putting Peter in the top job, but we just had no one else,” said a Coalition Spokesperson. ”We thought he might make a little ground, what with the cost of everything going up but he’s gone backwards.”
”Hopefully the public will have a bit of amnesia and not google for awhile so Angus Taylor can gain some traction.”
When asked why they weren’t focusing on new policies or positive engagement instead of looking at the leader, the Coalition Spokesperson said: ”Negativity and fear worked for Abbott, so why wouldn’t it work for us now.”
”Besides, being negative and spreading hate is like throwing red meat to the base.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and try and wipe Angus’s social media accounts and spread some vicious rumours about Albo.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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Sky News Encourages Their Viewers, All 6 Of Them, To Get Behind Dutton
Low rating news channel, Sky News Australia, has put out the rally cry for their viewers, all 6 of them, to get behind low-polling Opposition leader, the Dark Lord Peter Dutton.
”We need our viewers to muck in and get behind good ol’ Petey Dutton,” said Sky News host, convicted racist Andrew Bolt. ”I can’t wait for a country led by Pete.”
”The air will be crisper, the sun brighter and everything will be a comfortable shade of white.”
When asked why a news channel, admittedly a very low-rating one, would seemingly be barracking for one side of politics rather than remaining neutral, Mr Bolt said: ”We just want what’s best for Australia.”
”And by Australia, of course I mean our demographic, aging, predominantly white boomers,”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m having a little soiree for all my fans and must make sure the telephone booth down the road is free.”
@MWChatShow
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Albo Says Good Morning Dutton Condemns Him For Not mentioning Night
The Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has opened up his press conference today with a greeting of good morning. This has resulted in the Opposition leader, Peter Dutton putting out a press release condemning the PM for failing to include good night or good afternoon in his greeting.
”What we are seeing here is typical Labor behaviour,” said the Dark Lord Peter Dutton. ”They only ever think of the present, unlike the Coalition who have a firm eye on the past.”
”Why, just go and talk to any of my backbench about how good a time the 1950’s were for social policy.”
When asked why he seemingly disagreed with everything the PM said or did, the Dark Lord said: ”I am the Opposition leader that’s what I do. Well at least until I can figure out how to launch a military coup.”
”Or Anthony Albanese excepts my challenge for a battle to the death for the Prime Ministership.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, all this talk of battles and coups has got me rather excited. I need to find a few puppies to strangle in order to calm down.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.
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