New England
Barnaby: ”Happy International Women’s Day, I’m Rooting For Ya!”
Peter Dutton’s shadow minister for home affairs, Barnaby Joyce, has issued a press release today wishing the women of Australia a happy international women’s day and reminded them that he is rooting for ’em.
”No one can ever accuse Barnaby Joyce of not having his eyes on the ladies,” said the member for New England. ”I am a big proponent of getting behind women, and am also not averse to them being on top.”
”What can I say, no matter the position I am always there, willing to press the flesh.”
When asked given his history of multiple marriages and other accusations, what he feels is the best way forward for women, the member for New England said: ”The Government needs to start doing some practical stuff to make things better for women.”
”Like removing the bonk ban, for instance.”
”How many women were left unsatisfied by the bonk ban. Think of the the women who went to bed at night alone, when they could have been snuggled up next to a Minister.”
”Anyway, must be off, keen to press the flesh with as many women as possible today.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Stay-At-Home Barnaby Calls For A Royal Commission Into Daytime TV
The Coalition’s shadow minister for home affairs, Barnaby Joyce, is away from Parliament on ”sick leave” this week and has taken the opportunity to call for a Royal Commission into day time television.
”It’s a bloody debacle, morning show, shopping networks and bloody cartoons,” despaired the member for New England. ”Bluey isn’t even on until the evening.”
”Where’s the midday movie gone?”
When asked why if he was on ”sick leave” did he appear on Channel 7’s Sunrise program, the member for New England said: ”That’s not really work, it’s just me shouting at Tanya.”
”Besides, if I don’t appear who will they get, Angus? Littleproud, please.”
”Anyway, gotta be off, the community nurse will be here soon to give me my sponge bath.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Barnaby Tells Albo To Think Of My Children And Increase Politicians’ Pay
The Opposition’s shadow minister for home affairs, Barnaby Joyce, has called upon the Prime Minister to think of his children and raise the pay for politicians.
”Times are tough, and it’s time for Albo to get out of his inner city, craft beer swilling bubble and think of my children,” said the member for New England. ”Poor beggars, we had to cut off Disney + last week, as I needed another slab.”
”You seen how much cartons of piss are going for these days. Brings a tear to the eye.”
When asked why politicians should be paid more at the expense of the unemployed and pensioners, the member for New England said: ”Well, we have more overheads than most. I mean, I can’t rock up to parliament is my stubbies and volleys.”
”Trust me, I’ve tried.”
”Anyway, gotta head off, today’s the day after Valentine’s day, great chance to pick up some cheap flowers and chocs for the missus. That ought to get me a root.”
”I like those odds.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Bored Barnaby Takes Up A Hobby: Conspiracy Theories
Recently married root rat, bored Barnaby Joyce, has taken up a new hobby, investigating conspiracy theories.
”I was sitting at home last Friday night, bored out of my brain, when I decided to look at one of the many millions of Youtube clips that old mate Christo sends me,” said Bored Barnaby. ”Well, this one was on JFK and before you know it, 6 hours later I was quite enlightened.”
”Did you know that your phone spies on you?”
”I always wondered how Facebook figured out to give me ads for Ashley Madison.”
When asked, how he was settling into married life, Bored Barnaby said: ”It’s like golf really, except you’re always playing the one hole.”
”Sometimes you get lucky and get a round in on the back nine, but never another course.”
”God, I miss a good weekend away playing multiple courses over multiple days.”
@MWChatShow
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