Australia
Barnaby Blames Wind Farms For Canberra’s Increased Horniness
The Opposition’s shadow minister for home and foreign affairs, Barnaby Joyce, has blamed the prevalence of wind farms in the vicinity of Canberra for the territories increased level of horniness.
”Before all these windfarms, I was a happily married man and Christian Porter was still in Canberra,” said the member for New England. ”These giant erections bursting from the ground and reaching for the sky have to be stopped.”
”Look around the World, no one is horny who lives in the vicinity of a nuclear reactor.”
When asked why he was seemingly channeling Don Quixote as part of his one man war on windfarms, Mr Joyce said: ”I am sick and tired of the Government telling me what to do.”
”It was bad enough that when I was in Government that they told me I couldn’t bonk anymore.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to be a guest speaker at a function for a bunch of cookers who’ve set up camp at the McDonalds down the road from the Governor Generals place.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Dutton Fumes After ABC 7:30 Host Dares To Ask Him A Question
Opposition leader (for now), Peter Dutton, has fumed after his appearance on the ABC’s 7:30 report led to him being asked actual questions by host Sarah Ferguson.
”This is so typical of the inner city, lefty, woke ABC elites,” fumed the Opposition leader. ”How dare they ask questions of me, this wouldn’t happen on 2GB or Sky News.”
”I can’t wait to become Prime Minister, see how they like making their little programs in the same studio as a small modular nuclear reactor.”
When asked if he was seriously upset about being questioned, the Opposition leader took a break from strangling puppies to say: ”The Australian people do not expect their revered Opposition leaders to be disrespected in such a manner as being questioned.”
”The ABC needs to know that when I speak I am to be listened to and not questioned”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a reach around, err, I mean an interview with 2GB’s Ray Hadley.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Abbott Demands Albo Knight King Charles Immediately
Tony Abbott, star of the hit ABC show Nemesis, has called upon the Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese, to immediately knight King Charles or face being shirt fronted.
”King Charles loves this country and Australians, well at least 6 of us, love him,” said Mr Rabbit. ”What better way to honour the King than by demoting him down to a Knight.”
”It certainly lifted Prince Philip’s spirits., apparently he was quite animated when told of the honour.”
When asked whether it was time for Australia to cut ties with the monarchy and stand on it’s own two feet as a Republic, Mr Rabbit said: ”No, no, no, ah, definitely not.”
”Australia is at it’s best when we are lead by a strong King. Kids in this country want to grow up with the opportunity to one day serve a benevolent King, or in certain circumstances a Queen.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to see if I’m eligible to donate a prostate to the King, you bet you are, err, you bet I am.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Donald Dutton Warns Australia To Be Wary Of Taylor Swift
Australian Opposition leader, Donald Dutton, has warned the nation to be wary of American singer Taylor Swift, after Donald’s news station of choice, Sky News Australia, ran a story on the singer somehow being linked to a plot to destroy Donald Trump.
”I’m always wary of any celebrity that comes out here and draws a crowd but does not pay tribute to the Nation’s traditional owners, Rupert and Gina,” said Opposition leader Dutton. ”Who is this Taylor Swift person?”
”What does she stand for? I need more details.”
When asked if he was serious about believing a tin-foil hat conspiracy about Taylor Swift, Donald Dutton said: ”I take everything Sky News Australia says seriously, as do their other 5 viewers.”
”People are always so quick to attack fine news sources like Sky News Australia with accusations like, where’s the proof, that doesn’t make sense and isn’t that slander?”
”Not me though, when Sky says jump I say who do I land on?”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Weary Nation Wonders Which Culture War Dutton Is Fighting This Week
Weary Australian’s embarking on their first week back in the office have begun to wonder what culture war Opposition leader Peter Dutton is fighting this week, as they are bombarded with his face on tv, radio and in print.
”It’s always something with Dutton, is he still fighting a war with Christmas, or has he moved on to Australia day already? Asked Coburg accounts clerk Betty Spreadsheet. ”Actually, I never did hear him rant about hot cross buns, which is funny as he kind of looks like one.”
When reached for comment on what machine he planned to rage against this week, the Opposition leader said: ”My job is to hold the Government to task, I mean it is ridiculous that the so-called Prime Minister is out making appearances and not once has he worn an Australian flag as a cape.”
”Doesn’t he love this country, if so he should don the Australian flag as a cape.”
”Mind you, if he did we would be shouting to high heavens about what a lack of respect he is showing to the flag.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am being interviewed by Ray Hadley, not sure why he wants to do the interview in a sauna, but who am I to argue…..with Ray.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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National broadcaster axes Australian journalist Antoinette Lattouf over Gaza social media post
Staff threatened to strike over management's decision
Originally published on Global Voices
Antoinette Lattouf – Screenshot: TedX Talks YouTube video ‘Reverse Discrimination? It doesn't exist…but ‘tokenism’ does’ October 2022. Fair use.
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) has caused a furore down under after firing Lebanese Australian journalist Antoinette Lattouf on December 20, 2023 for sharing a post on the humanitarian situation in Gaza. Her employment as a short-term radio host was abruptly ended for allegedly breaching social media policy by reposting a Human Rights Watch (HRW) video on Instagram.
View this post on Instagram
Lattouf added the comment: “HRW reporting starvation as a tool of war.” The ABC justified their decision, saying that “she failed or refused to comply with directions that she not post on social media about matters of controversy.” The ABC itself covered the HRW claim on TV News.
The corporation is a government-funded national broadcaster, which has independence within a legislated charter. Its board and chair are appointed by the government.
Subsequently, ABC journalist Nour Haydar resigned over the broadcaster’s coverage of the Gaza conflict and treatment of culturally diverse staff. She posted on X (formerly Twitter):
Does this mean all ABC employees can’t share info from @hrw?
What if it’s about the treatment of Uyghurs in China or protestors in Iran?
Does this rule exist exclusively for findings that are critical of Israel?
Did this directive apply only to @antoinette_news and why? https://t.co/vqsb3ocW82
— Nour Haydar (@NourHaydar) January 16, 2024
Haydar also has Lebanese heritage.
Mastodon user MilennialZero posed a question that was concerning many people on social media:
Artemis went further in their response:
Journalists at the ABC threatened to take strike action. Their union, the MEAA (Media, Entertainment and Arts Alliance) has given Lattouf strong backing:
The decision to sack Antoinette Lattouf from her role as an ABC radio presenter over sharing a social media post from a reputable human rights organisation is incredibly disturbing. Read the full statement: https://t.co/B1IAkQkl3W #MEAAmedia pic.twitter.com/a2Xt7wyft3
— MEAA (@withMEAA) December 21, 2023
There were accusations that the ABC management was influenced by a campaign by pro-Israel lobbyists via a WhatsApp group called Lawyers for Israel.
Antoinette has taken an unlawful termination case to the Fair Work Commission. However, mediation talks between Lattouf and the ABC have failed to resolve the issue. Lattouf posted a video response on X. She not only raised the question of free speech but said that her dismissal involved racism:
Some words following my Fair Work Commission conciliation with the ABC today.
This is such an important case because it is not just about me.#NoFearNoFavour pic.twitter.com/gDqlH89CkI— Antoinette Lattouf (@antoinette_news) January 18, 2024
Denis Muller, Senior Research Fellow at the University of Melbourne’s Centre for Advancing Journalism, canvassed some of the issues at The Conversation:
One is the issue of how to deal with journalistic staff posting on social media about issues in the news. Another is whether it has the backbone to protect its journalists and presenters from external attack. A third is whether the organisation is culturally capable of respecting and supporting staff from diverse backgrounds.
Veteran Australian journalist and TV news presenter Mary Kostakidis spoke out in the strongest terms on public policy website Pearls and Irritations:
The Lattouf story shows that the same level of white colonial supremacist attitudes that have forged the bond of western leaders on the Middle East issue permeates the leadership of public broadcasting.
… A one sided narrative in the media cultivates ignorance in the public and enables our leaders to maintain unquestioned entrenched support for Israel, not only with words but with supplies and intelligence, and possibly with armed forces should they see fit to do so. Attempts to interfere and prevent the interrogation of our foreign policy are anti democratic.
The ABC managing director, David Anderson sent an email to all staff, denying Lattouf's claims and rejecting any influence by external pressure.
At the Fair Work Commission mediation, the ABC denied that race or political opinion were part of their decision to terminate her contract.
There is a GoFundMe fundraiser for her legal fees, plus a couple of online petitions calling on ABC to rehire Lattouf.
In the latest twist, the ABC is now claiming that it did not sack Lattouf, according to a Guardian report:
In its submission, the ABC wrote it decided “not to require” Lattouf to perform the last two of her five shifts as a casual presenter of Sydney’s Mornings because she had “failed or refused to comply with directions that she not post on social media about matters of controversy during the short period she was presenting”.
On X, Lattouf mocked what she called the use of a euphemism:
“If I wasn’t sacked what was it? I’m keen to hear all the creative euphemisms that will be used to try and explain this backflip to me, ABC staff and Australians who are very concerned about their public broadcaster. Was I unshackled? Liberated? Untied?”
— Antoinette Lattouf (@antoinette_news) January 22, 2024
A meeting of ABC journalists overwhelmingly passed a motion of no confidence in Managing Director David Anderson. The resolution included:
Winning staff and public confidence back will require senior management:
1. Backing journalism without fear or favour.
2. Working collaboratively with unions to build a culturally informed process for supporting staff who face criticism and attack.
3. Take urgent action on the lack of security and inequality that journalists of colour face.
4. Working with unions to develop a clearer and fairer social media policy.
5. Upholding a transparent complaints process, in which journalists who are subject to complaints are informed and supported.
According to Mediaweek, ABC Global Affairs Editor John Lyons spoke forcefully in favor of the motion. Lyons has been reporting from the Middle East on the Gaza conflict for the ABC.
David Anderson has agreed to meet with staff in the coming weeks to discuss their concerns.
Meanwhile, Pedestrian TV has reported claims of another coordinated lobbying campaign against Lattouf on WhatsApp group J.E.W.I.S.H. Australian creatives and academics. Australian researcher and journalist Claire Connelly posted:
‘Screenshots show a coordinated letter campaign that encouraged the group’s 628 members to complain to Buttrose, ABC Managing Director David Anderson and Federal Communications Minister Michelle Rowland over the ABC’s hiring of Lattouf.’ pic.twitter.com/hSj831HGKQ
— Claire Connelly (@_ClaireConnelly) January 22, 2024
An emergency ABC board meeting on January 23, passed a unanimous vote of confidence in the managing director.
The dispute is ongoing for now. In the meantime, the satirical website The Shovel has a lighthearted take:
The ABC says it is simply adhering to its charter by ending journalist Antoinette Lattouf’s employment, but also not sacking her.
“It is incumbent on us to provide both sides of the story,” an ABC spokesperson said. “So while some may say Ms Lattouf has been fired, others would say she has been freed up to pursue other opportunities. Some will say she has been let go, others will say has been de-hired. All of those views deserve to be heard.
Parliament House Stationery Cupboard Warned To Watch Out For ScoMo
With news of his impending retirement those in charge of the Parliament house stationery cupboard have been warned to make sure that former Australian Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, doesn’t clear it out.
”Mixed emotions, I will admit, in announcing that I will be leaving the place,” said the former PM. ”But, I’m sure the Australian people won’t mind me nicking a few pens on the way out.”
”Might grab a few high lighters for the girls, don’t worry I’ll leave the green ones.”
When asked what he feels his legacy will be once he leaves parliament, the soon to be former member for Cook said: ”The people of Australia will see me for what I really am.”
A dad, a daggy one at that, and a man of inaction, I mean action.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I want to inquire if I get to keep the paintings in my office. Wonder also about the carpet, it’d look good in the kid’s treehouse.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Exclusive Book Excerpt: Mike Pence’s Forward For ScoMo’s New Book
When I was approached to write the forward to Scott Morrison’s new book, my first reaction was, who?
Then after being told that he was the former Prime Minister of Australia, a Christian and a tourism ambassador for the State of Hawaii, I turned to my wife and said: ”Mother, I must write something for this man.”
Scott Morrison is a dear friend of the United States of America. When he heard that tourism numbers had slumped in the State of Hawaii, his first instinct wasn’t to stay at home and do his job coordinating the country he was in charge of, Australia, against life-taking bushfires, no.
His first instinct was to pack up the kids and wife and book a ticket on to the next available flight to Oahu. What a guy!
He also did not want this example of generous philanthropy to get out, so he instructed his office to not tell anyone he was on holiday and when the story finally did leak did he seek to take credit for his actions?
No, he sought to tell all and asunder that the idea for the trip was not his but rather his wife, Jen’s.
Thinking of Scott I am drawn to the bible, particularly the passage from Timothy 3:13: ”Unscrupulous con men will continue to exploit the faith. They’re as deceived as the people they lead astray. As long as they are out there, things can only get worse.”
Scott is not one of these men, no. Scott is a man of the Church, a man who when Myself or President Trump said jump, replied: ”How how high, sir?”
Mr Morrison, thank you for the opportunity to write this forward and I look forward to taking you up on your offer of joining you and the family for dinner sometime at Engadine Maccas.
Not sure why you suggested bringing a second pair of pants though.
Mike Pence
Former American Vice-President
Husband to Mother.
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Sky News Australia Celebrates Their Viewership Hitting Double Figures
Niche news channel, Sky News Australia, has thrown a party for it’s staff after receiving the news that their viewership has hit the elusive double digit figures.
”You dream that this day may indeed come, but, until it’s here you just don’t know how good it feels,” said Sky News Australia host Andrew Bolt. ”For years my show was stuck on 6 viewers but to get the extra 4 is just such a great achievement.”
”These numbers should terrify the Albanese Government as it shows that the anti-woke have awoken.”
When asked what he saw as being the potential big news events of the year, Bolt, a man once convicted of breaching the racial discrimination act, said: ”It will be a big year news wise, the annual Australia day arguments will dominate most of the first few months.”
“Someone will make a comment that could be inferred as an attack on Anzac day and that should get us through to June, December if they happen to be an ABC employee.”
‘From there we will also dedicate a lot of time to shining the turd that is Peter Dutton or failing that Sussan Ley.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be off to source a venue for my fan club’s celebration, we’ve outgrown the local phone booth you know.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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Exhausted Australians Wonder What Dutton Is Angry About This Time
Exhausted Australians, many of whom are limping their way to the finish line that is the end of the 2023 working year, have woken up to Opposition leader Peter Dutton being plastered wall to wall on the Nation’s TV networks ranting about whatever he is angry about today.
”Who knows what old mate Pete is angry about today,” said Leichardt plasterer Ian ‘Patches’ Dawall. ”It’s always something, the economy, nuclear energy, Barnaby’s wedding, a dog that looked at him funny.”
”It never ends, dude needs to chill out and maybe give it a rest till the election.”
When reached for comment on why he is always so angry, the Opposition leader took a break from berating a toddler to say: ”To label me perpetually angry is both an insult and a smear from the Albanese government.”
”This country is heading in the wrong direction and only I, and Angus can fix it.”
”We need to take back water rights and give them to their traditional owners, the Nationals.”
”The fact that kids in Western Sydney and other Labor held electorates aren’t growing up beside a nuclear reactor brings a tear to my eye.”
”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a press conference to attend and I need to find out from my advisors what to shout about.”
Mark Williamson
@MWChatShow
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