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1. My decision to spend sixteen dollars on these Mason jars would inevitably coincide with a sudden, inexplicable change in my personality, from someone who eats luncheon meat straight from the packet to someone who regularly uses fenugreek.
2. The twenty seconds I used to spend looking for the cumin, I would instead devote to loftier pursuits, like marveling at how easy it is to find the cumin.
Dear valued faculty,
In light of the recent budget cuts, the university administration thought it would be helpful to clarify a few things about our institution and our mission. We are not a “school.” We are a hospital system with a football team. We collect grants from the federal government, payouts from insurance companies, and licensing revenue from television networks. That is our raison d’être.
At our core, we are devoted to learning. Specifically, we want to learn how to extract as much value as possible from everyone and everything we interact with.
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between.
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Dear Wyna Liu, Editor of Connections:
My morning ritual used to be a time of peace and solitude. A sacred time in which I’d gather up the energy to face the day. I’d brew my coffee and eat my smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel. And then I’d open up the New York Times Games App.
I’d always start with the Spelling Bee. Personally, I like to find the pangram first and then hopefully find enough words for a respectable “Great” or “Amazing.” Not every morning is a “Genius!” morning—and that’s okay!
Mom, Dad, we just wanted to assure you that your trust-fund son’s transplant was a success.
We weren’t too concerned—transplants to Brooklyn have a 98 percent success rate—but there can always be complications.
A transplant can reject its new host city in the event of a few conditions:
- Doorman deficiency
- Pre-existing neighborhood culture
- Persistent small businesses
Just make sure to monitor his rent levels closely. If all’s well, they should continue to climb indefinitely.
1. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a grad school stipend, must be in want of a ceramics class.”
2. “Shall I compare thee to my yoga classes? Thou art more messy and more expensive.”
3. “Doubt thou the kiln will fire. Doubt that the glaze doth take. Doubt that you will ever buy a home. But never doubt that you’re going to make a plate, goddamnit.”
4. “You should be bisqued, and often, and before the clay dries out.”
5. “Let me not to the marriage of handle to mug admit I forgot to score and slip.”
“Meet the ‘pursuer of nubile young females’ who helped pass Arizona’s 1864 abortion law.” — Washington Post
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We here at the GOP take values very seriously. We try to project a certain image to the public so that they’ll associate us with morality. So, it’s time for us to ask an important question. Is reinstating this misogynist 1864 law written by a child rapist bad for our brand?
Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuroses. From home vet visits to black eyes to refugee cats, Chronicles of a Catsitter documents the most memorable days on the job.
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“The Arizona Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a 160-year-old near-total abortion ban still on the books in the state is enforceable, a bombshell decision that adds the state to the growing lists of places where abortion care is effectively banned.” — NBC
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1. Property Statue 32: Successions of power must follow equal primogeniture, meaning the firstborn, regardless of gender, inherits the kingdom.
Whaddup. It’s the flu your four-year-old brought home for spring break. Are you gonna let me in or what? You’re hoping I leave you alone? You booked a family trip to Wolf Lodge Water Park? The deposit is nonrefundable?
Listen, I just KO’ed two dozen preschoolers like complimentary chips and dip at Casa Azteca, and now I want my entrée, capisce? Vis-à-vis for the next week or so, this is my house. And lemme tell you something—Michelangelo had marble. Da Vinci had paint. I have fever, vomiting, and diarrhea. And in three days, your GI tract will be my magnum opus.