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Every Thanksgiving, I watch the greatest comedy of all time: Planes, Trains and Automobiles. It’s beautifully written, intelligently directed, and the cast is absolute perfection. There’s just one thing that always bugs me.
Why didn’t eagles take them to Chicago?
Fahrenheit 305
Guy Montag, a Miami-Dade School Board member endorsed by Ron DeSantis, is in charge of rounding up books deemed too dangerous for Floridians to read, such as The Diary of Anne Frank, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, and anything by a Latino author. He begins questioning his role when a chance encounter with Miami’s preeminent intellectual, a wordsmith known only by his moniker, Pitbull, opens his worldview “worldwide.”
Give yourself one point for each answer yes.
1. Are your pants unbuttoned before the appetizer is even put on the table?
2. Are you wearing a pilgrim hat and drinking your fourth High Noon?
3. Did you loudly ask what the turkey’s pronouns were, then smirk into your Modelo?
4. Did you explain the origins of the holiday to the children’s table using one to three racist terms?
5. When called out for using one to three racist terms, did you then proceed to use four more?
To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our current and former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s columnist, Suzanne Yeagley, has written Interviews with People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs for our site since 2002. It’s one of our oldest running columns. Suzanne returns today for the first new installment in a few years.
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1. When the mega-mansion developer said, “Build,” he willed the entire life of a neighborhood into despair.
2. This despair cannot be understood as referring to anything other than the complete loss or absence of hope, that is, the hope of ever knowing a quiet day again.
3. The preservationist canons were imposed, but only on the height and façade, and the architects, being very clever, found ways around these according to the canons themselves, proposing a “library tower” because it is part of the “Village vernacular, water towers and all.”
Urban parenting is a battlefield. The best nannies, the right schools—the pressure is immense. Every decision, none more so than what to call your child, is an opportunity to stand out and gain an advantage. Sure, your suburbanite friends might find it distasteful and intense, and perhaps they’re right: not everything needs to be a competition—not a close one, anyway. Most points wins.
Cheesy Flatbread Bolognese
Parmesan Toast Rippers
Italian Tostada
Mozzarella Sauce Cruster
Open-Faced Pepperoni Sandwich
Four Cheese Marinara Burrito, Unrolled
Topless Calzone
Mexican Pizza (Italian-Style)
Deep Dish Pinwheel o’ Cheddar
Wet ’n’ Starchy Caprese Salad
Detroit Style Discus Margheritus
The Papa John Special
Dehydrated Cheesy Gazpacho
Reconstructed Pizza Casserole
Busted Panini
Cheesy Beanless Chili on Bread Plate
Reppeponi Zippa
Donatello’s Surprise