McSweeney’s — Feed Items
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“You MUST see The Lion King.”
The last time you were in New York, Michael Bloomberg was mayor and nobody knew what a cronut was.
“Why not try kayaking on the Hudson?”
You do not actually like living in New York City.
“Corner bodega bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.”
You haven’t been north of 23rd Street in seven years.
“Go to a poetry slam in the East Village and then spend a few hours just getting lost in The Strand.”
You do not have, nor have you met, children.
“The Supreme Court hears Trump’s claim to ‘absolute immunity.’ The justices are considering whether the former president must face trial on charges that he tried to subvert the 2020 election.” — New York Times, 4/25/24
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A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture.
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Hey there, Kinzleigh. Take a seat by my desk, crisscross applesauce. As you may know, this year’s Take Your Child to Work Day coincides with our annual performance review period. We felt it would be right for all employees to be reviewed, no matter how long they’ve been with us or how many teeth they have lost.
Unfortunately, Kinzleigh, after speaking to your manager, a.k.a. “Daddy,” we will need to put you on a PIP, or performance improvement plan.
Writing is an often solitary process, but it rarely happens alone. This brief email, which I hemmed and hawed over for seven weeks before finally dashing it off and sending it in a thoroughly uncharacteristic burst of un-self-conscious productivity, could not have happened without the support of countless others. While it might be only my name in the sender field, I would be remiss not to acknowledge and thank the many people who helped make it all possible.
Ha!
A mistaken vocal inflection produced by the waitress when you mentioned you have a boat.
Oh!
Often produced involuntarily when you realize you are much kinkier than you thought you were.
Wham!
Your drunk uncle describing the impact of his 2018 Dodge Ram during his first DUI.
Twang!
A combination of traditional values and piss water boycotts.
Dear valued customers,
Here at Weird Sisters Soups & Brines, our top priority has always been to prepare nourishing, ready-to-eat soups, enjoyable alone or with the whole clan. After a long day with kinsmen slaughtering foes in an odorous peat bog, there’s nothing like returning to the sod hut and forgetting all your toils and troubles over a bubbling bowl of Weird Sisters Soup. Filled with the eye of newt and chunks of frog toes our customers have come to savor, our soups are always sure to beguile you.
When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick.
1. Patience is key.
2. Remember to take breaks for self-care.
3. And don’t forget to go to the bathroom.
4. It’s better to make slow progress with the pieces than no progress on the puzzle at all.
5. Accept the pieces the way they are. A turtle piece can never be a camel puzzle. Stop trying to change them when they show you who they are.
6. Sometimes, you must realize it’s not you; it’s just a crappy puzzle. It’s not worth your time to guess whether it is off-white or eggshell white, and you’re better off on your own.