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The Only Way to Save Public Education Is to Turn Every Single School in America into High-End Condos
I hear a lot of pie-in-the-sky utopian BS about education and equity and having an actual building that shields children from the elements. But when will parents and bleeding-heart liberals realize that the only way to save public education in this country is to turn every elementary, middle, and high school from Portland to San Francisco, from Pittsburgh to Iowa City, into high-end condos?
In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself.
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Dear Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen,
Let me start by saying I would never doubt most of your claims to fame. First of her name? The records can prove it. The Unburnt Queen of Meereen? I saw it with my own eyes! Breaker of chains? Absolutely, it was some of your best work.
The temperature is climbing, the flowers are poking their little heads out of the dirt, and soon the sidewalk will be riddled with nothing but exposed feet. Yes, feet season is coming. It’s time to prepare.
It’s likely been a while since you’ve seen any feet up close, including your own, so it’s best to begin your preparations gradually. You can start by looking at hands. Hands are a bit like feet, except much more beautiful.
Well met, hale wanderer! You have journeyed through the Fiendish Greenwood, over the Sea of Knives, and across the Barren Plains of Evermore to reach the citadel ahead: the Academy of Arcane Knowledge!
Owing to my ragged cloak and even more ragged beard, you no doubt believe I am merely the town fool. But to enter the Academy and gain True Understanding, thou must first answer my Riddles Three! For I am the Riddle Master of this enchanted sanctuary!
Riddle the First: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
Do Say: “Whoa, where is Uncle Tony?”
Everyone will be saying this, so you’ll fit right in.
Orignally published April 10, 2020
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Hey there, I’m Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I know things look bad for me right now, but I’m gonna be back in a few days, and when I return, I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want all the kids in town to go look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can’t help them look.
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between.
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Hi, Jesus. It’s Pop. Just got your message. Sorry I missed you yesterday. It was kind of wild around her. A good Friday it was not. You wouldn’t believe everything going on with this farkakte universe. Expanding and expanding and expanding, we can’t keep up! And all these bad things happening to good people? Don’t get me started. We’re trying to fix that bug, but it’s a real head-scratcher, you don’t want to know.
“Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time, tried to surf it instead of letting it drown me on principle. I had grown bored of discussions of fair and unfair, equal or unequal, and preferred instead to consider a thing called ease.” — from the essay “The Case for Marrying an Older Man” by Grazie Sophia Christie, published in The Cut (3/27/24)
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“Trump’s newest venture? A $60 Bible. His Bible sales pitch comes as he appears to be confronting a significant financial squeeze, with his legal fees growing while he fights a number of criminal cases and lawsuits.” — New York Times
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Genesis
Adam calls his banishment from the garden “very unfair.”
Exodus
Moses descends Mount Sinai with the Second Amendment.