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Monday is your new Saturday morning, the start of the weekend. Once your kids are at school, you have a lazy morning of self-care (clearing your inbox) followed by brunch with friends (an all-hands meeting in the conference room with stale bagels). You round out the afternoon by spending time in nature (dozing off in a desk salad).
To our treasured [COLLEGE / UNIVERSITY NAME] community,
Dear Policyholder,
As your automobile insurance carrier, we want to thank you for your continued trust in NOTONUS. We regret to inform you that we have elected to raise your rate—a difficult decision, but one that we feel is justified given the considerations outlined below.
Reasons for your premium increase are as follows:
In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between.
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Your dummy Uncle Tim is getting married at sixty-four. His wedding is sure to be a bore. But have no fear, because when those church bells go ringing and Tim’s at the altar smooching, you’ll be in the third row bumping your head, earbuds in, listening to those Dune tunes. Dune: Part Two tunes to be precise. Man, oh man, does Hans Zimmer rock it with those Dune tunes. Guitar riffs and sonic booms. He takes you straight to Dune, riding sandworms in the heat of noon.
I was having a quiet evening at home when, suddenly, I received a text. It was my friend Laura, asking if I was free Friday. But I already had plans to get dinner with a different friend—a woman Laura had never met, named Erica.
I yearned to invite Laura along but knew, sadly, that I couldn’t. The laws of friendship dictate that getting dinner with two friends who don’t know each other is impossible, as they come from different, parallel universes.
Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured generations to the latest innovations in aroma-making.
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I believe it’s impossible to experience Spain without encountering ham. But in my case, it was by accident.
“Red touch yellow, legless fellow. Red touch black, legs they lack.”
Remembering that neither coral snakes nor scarlet kingsnakes have legs.
“Uplifting. Star-spangled. Anthem.”
Remembering the letters in “USA.”
“A caT has two. A dOg has one.”
How many horns common household pets would have if those household pets had horns, and also if cats had two of them while dogs only had one.
“Red touch yellow, kill a fellow. The largest nation, Russian Federation.”
Distinguishing between a coral snake and the country of Russia.
Stage Zero: Unwelcome Discovery
Your rather unrefined friend sends you a link to an AI-generated violin concerto.
“Cool, right?!” she texts, followed by the laughing emoji.
You touch the callus on your neck from your twenty-two years of playing violin. Suddenly, the memory of the ruler-wielding teacher you had before you started the Suzuki method invades your mind, and you wince, subconsciously hiding your knuckles.
You click on “Vibrant Expressive Baroque Concerto.”
Stage One: Denial
It’s not that good.
“Trump VP contender Kristi Noem writes of killing her dog—and goat—in new book.” — The Guardian 4/26/24
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