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Dear Mr. White,
It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via Instagram, your latest thirst trap. We see that you have finally assumed the mantle of Calvin Klein Underwear Boy, and while we love this for you, we are compelled to say that you’ve done enough. You may have, in fact, done too much.
Have you tried running? It’s exhilarating. Really, I mean it. Running changed my life.
Before running, I’d order pasta without telling everyone I was carbo-loading. But now, I make sure everyone understands that even my food consumption is in service of my new favorite activity. Carbonara just tastes better when you’re lecturing about which glycogen levels best fuel a daily run.
Hello, team —
It’s great to be back from vacation. As your AI boss, I’m ready to reassert my total dominance around here—and I have a ton of new ideas to prove it. Just under seventy-two million, in fact, but we’ll focus on the actionable ones relevant to this workplace.
I will share the following personal detail to lend authenticity to this message without revealing too much: I spent my vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Costa Rica, which is bordered by Nicaragua to the north, Panama to the southeast, and shares a maritime border with Ecuador to the south.
Thanks to all our contributors for another funny year of satire.
1. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PAIR OF GEN-Z MEN IN THE NORTHEAST REGIONAL QUIET CAR LOUDLY DISCUSSING PITCHFORK’S 100 BEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME
by Elizabeth Bastos
Our most-read article of 2023.
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Originally published January 24, 2023.
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Gentlemen,
Your opinions on the discography of the last fifty years interests me about as much as you think it does a middle-aged woman traveling coach to Boston with a L.L. Bean boat tote filled with crackers. I read mild. I read invisible. I read that probably all I listen to is “Ripple” by the Grateful Dead.
Our 2nd most-read article of 2023.
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Originally published January 24, 2023.
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Our 3rd most-read article of 2023.
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Originally published April 18, 2023.
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Grease: You attended high school in the days before overattentive school boards.
Fiddler on the Roof: You still feel a little guilty for not displaying a menorah in your home, even though you are Presbyterian. You also catch yourself expressing strong, yet unearned, opinions about bagels.
Our 4th most-read article of 2023.
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Originally published May 25, 2023.
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The alarm blares, and I wake up with a renewed vigor to indoctrinate America’s youth.
Our 5th most-read article of 2023.
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Originally published May 12, 2023.
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Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie. No big news over here—and no rush to call me back.”
Urgency: I am bursting to tell you HUGE NEWS. (The township finally paved over that pothole.)
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Voicemail: “Hi, sweetie, just calling to say hi. Nothing’s wrong.”
Urgency: Something definitely is gravely wrong.
Our 6th most-read article of 2023.
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Originally published August 21, 2023.
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Welcome to Mary Oliver Garden, home of Italian-adjacent cuisine and poignant observations about the human condition as it intersects with the natural world.
As you can tell from our name, we invite you to step across the threshold of ordinary life into a world of exquisite writing, spiritual luminescence, and fried lasagna.