I don't know how on earth I missed this. Normally I love nothing more than watching a large group of short stocky men with no necks clashing heads in "a five star performance" of "heart, courage, and desire". Thankfully, your correspondents have brought me all the way there, with the breathless description of a "f...ked" player, "blood flowing from his nose and mouth, his right cheek swollen and his eye closing up," as a "microphone" is stuck "in his battered face" by "a former kangaroo". Swelling, penetration, bodily fluids, metaphoric bestiality... Excuse me; I'm just having a little moment...

This final clinch had it all! What normal, manly Aussie bloke wouldn't want to take part in this "rugby league fairytale" including, hugging "part" owner Russell Crowe in the afterglow, before considering whether he might want to "do it all again"? There must be some sort of analogy to explain the allure that football holds for the average Australian male, but it continues to elude me…