"With a lot of kids to worry about, the fact that the venue has a fence is also reassuring to parents." Yes indeed, there's nothing more reassuring to parents, or fun for kids, than adequate fencing. Our little Macauley and Hyancinth have been behind barbed wire 24/7 since they were old enough to walk. Well, not so much "walk" as obsessively prowl back and forth, hour after hour, day after day.

A lot of people with old-fashioned ideas about child rearing have claimed that with a little more freedom of movement maybe they wouldn't be so prone to skin rashes and the spontaneous shedding of clumps of hair. This is of course utter nonsense. Since installing toxin chimes at either end of the kids' enclosure to filter the Ch'i flow, we have observed a very definite improvement in the colour, shape, and texture of the children's sores. Set against this rosy picture I must maintain, if I am to be frank, that there is a far simpler explanation for their minor wellness difficulties. Our crystal healing therapist has documentary evidence of a particularly virulent strain of gluten being deliberately added to the water supply by the world government, in order to prevent widespread spiritual awakening.

Of course the media are too scared of "big water" to go public with the story. Fortunately you can easily restore the purity of water containing, for instance, H₂O - a potentially deadly chemical compound - merely by adding a pinch of dirt. Obviously, not any old dirt will do. Sand, for example, is next to useless, as are many of the grits. The very best dirt can (conveniently) be scraped from the wheel well of any post-2005-model four-wheel-drive hatchback that has been blessed by a licensed shaman. If you don't already have a preferred motor shaman, your mechanic should be able to recommend someone skilled in the ethereal motor vehical arts near you. Or else just find one with a reasonably good ranking on MysticAdviser™. All else being equal, the average suburban 4WD should be able to collect enough muck to meet the drinking and washing needs of the average suburban family. We find that water so treated has a quite striking purgative effect on the kids, cleansing them of the impurities that would otherwise have them rattling their mess tins on the cage, and biting great lumps out of each other. After a good cleansing, they are happy to just lie, clutching their little tummies and groaning.

Contrary to ill-informed general opinion, I actually think that their complete isolation from anything or anybody that might possibly distress them has made our kids more independent than most. They haven't been forced to conform to conventional milestones of writing, reading, or speaking. They have the space to develop their own way of expressing themselves more kinetically. In a more robustly vigorous discourse, as it were. This too is considered controversial by many. But I ask you, who is the more violent? The little child who derives innocent pleasure from biting the heads off rats? Or the authority figure who refuses to validate a child's sense of self worth when faced with a joyous, bloody grin?